mr noodle

I'm doing that thing again ! I'm not sure if "again" is appropriate but still. Something.

I want to talk about "feeling bad" but anyone reading this has gotta b cool about it, you know? At worst when I "feel bad" I just don't do anything. Whatever I feel now isn't the worst. I'm still active, able to talk to people if there's anybody there, you know, I can play with my niece and that's always good. In fact, why did I just forego playing with my niece just to hide in my room and type on the computer? Ok, the word I'm looking for is lethargic. Not bad, not much of anything. I knew "bad" was too strong to begin with. I'm lethargic! You can say that and smile! But I won't!

So that's where I'm at. As in, literally don't talk to me about that, that's not the point. I would describe it as, the best feeling I could feel right now is ignoring stuff and putting off doing stuff. Yet, "laying down" would feel uncomfortable.

But there's direct cause and effect.

This whole summer, you know, being unemployed but also in a purgatory of Will I / Won't I move to Chicago, I spent most of the time indoors. I spent a lot of time babysitting, which meant I had to plan out how to go outside. I could take her outside in the stroller, but it would have to be after her nap. Sometimes after her nap it would be raining or 90 degrees. If not that, I mean, I just wouldn't feel like it. So, I wasn't active, and that has a lot to do with becoming lethargic later on. And of course I'm also self conscious about the possibility that I'm a lil chubbier again. It may or may not be true and it ultimately may not matter but the feeling I get when I look at current pictures of myself is crazy, it's like startling and embarrassing. I literally don't want to have a dialogue with anyone about weight/fat/etc, no one ever really gets it right. I also don't feel very "allowed" to talk about it, if that makes sense. Oh right, just remembered therapy again but even they kinda don't respond the right way. It's still gonna be a minute before I return to therapy, I think the trend has kinda come and gone, if I can be somewhat nuanced about it. One would think that I would get back into that after losing my father but like nah. I forgot my logic if why it'd be too soon. I mean maybe that's it. Too soon. Maybe that's kinda the whole thing. It's one thing, it's many interconnected things. Inclined to summarize it as: "even if I succeed (in something), I have increasingly less people to show it to" or something. Is that kool?

I think I get more embarrassed about not crying. There's too much weight to the act of it, and the fact that I don't do it probably just signifies how much I overthink. I can cry watching movies, especially in the theater. That's gratifying. But DAMN! I'm a robot, otherwise. I've built this weird personality of myself and I actually can't tell you if it's a "man" thing because my gut tells me it's not but still "you" think it is. I'm just someone *watching* the world, most of the time. And yet, I gotta participate. I gotta be the conduit for this art I feel. I'm obligated to have an opinion. I gotta consume something. I can do one or the other: watch or participate, sure, but don't set me up for one and make me take on the tasks of another. Alright, now I'm just saying stuff. What's the literary device, Man vs. Author or something?

Maybe it's not a "man" thing and I should make it a "man" thing. Does anyone else talk about this? Does anyone else notice stuff? I can't be the only one that notices stuff because it's not fair to notice stuff but still have a room in semi-flux of unpacked and to be 35 and freaking scared.

Oh, um.

Meant to talk about how despite the lethargy, I convinced myself to go downtown to look at Dragon Con. I was literally hyped about getting the day pass earlier this morning and the moment I tried to buy it, it was sold out. Just as well, I guess. I figured the least I could do was go down there to take pictures with my disposable camera and just look at stuff. It's crazy. Reminded of my age. Like. The one time I actually "went" was probably 10 years ago, and I was with friends, and we snuck in. I'm reminded that there's no part of that I could really replicate. Uh. Yeah. So. I went down there just to do something, despite my mood telling me to stay home.

Anyway. I don't know if it's Georgia that makes me feel so empty or like the lack of a social group or "loss" or everybody feels this way in 2026, but I was certainly enjoying myself that one day in Chicago when we ate A Large Amount of Corn in the park and stuff. I was feeling ok in Berlin, you know? I was still shy and felt like an outsider but still had a good time. I mean, today actually kinda reminded me a lot of that except today was a little more "What's the point?". So, Idk, maybe I've accidentally/intentionally made myself "lonely," which is also a buzzword I probably ought not declare unto myself. I've devalued the free will of saying "Hey do you want to hang out". No, I mean I specifically avoided it because I lost trust in folks and decided to only hang out if someone else asked.

But actually, this is all probably a good thing. Once I'm no longer unemployed, I won't feel inactive, for one. The fact that I get myself up and out, that's perfectly fine. The fact that I still have my habits, in a way, the fact that I can still experiment with asking people to hang out or something... the thing I mean there is something that can't be described, I think. But you know. I think at this time, I'm rebuilding, to at least feel fine. And yeah, I hate that I have to keep running into little patches of time where I feel less than "fine" but whatever at least I get to feel fine. I was feeling fine for a year or so, and now I'm just zombified. Eh. Just need to go outside and drink water, so to speak.

Whatever.

Maybe drawing little crazy pictures helps. That's my whole thing, hmph.

Anyway, don't hit me up about this stuff, you know? It exists in the internet and that's enough.

Good  Night !

goog

i'm tired

but not like '2009 facebook status high schooler trying to get a response' tired if that communicates anything.

It's just 11 after midnight and will be soon off to slumber.

But. Existentially, I am a lil sleepy.

I came back from Chicago on Sunday and slept for 5 hours and then later went to sleep for the night for about 8 or 9 or 10 or less hours, who knows.

I wrote in a mini journal that I got from the Walgreens by my friend's house in Chicago, with a little boba tea character printed on the front cover. There's probably still some in stock, if anyone else wants 1. But yeah, I wrote exactly one entry while I was up there, as a bridge between notebooks/journals. Uh. Anyway, that's where I'd finally rationalized my situation.

I got there Tuesday, wandered around with my backpack. I explored, optimistic. Visited the Harold Washington Library. I went to my friend's house for the night. Watched that Norwegian black metal documentary. I went to sleep and woke up four hours later because I was self conscious about snoring and so I was just.. awake.

I'd actually had 3 job interviews lined up on Wednesday, somehow. I can't tell how candid I ought to be about this stuff just yet or why this story is relevant, but whatever. I was wandering around for a while, increasingly sleep deprived and having an inner debate about whether this is something I really wanna do. I needed to think about it and in doing so I basically just skipped out on all three interviews.

*I just wrote and deleted a paragraph because I was kinda rambling*

I rented a room at a hostel or something. Realized that if I stay in Chicago, it's gonna be a series of me sleeping at friends and family's houses (which was kind of the plan, anyway) and idk I'm kinda getting older and I don't want to exert all my energy on this kind of risky life choice. Like yeah it's cool to kinda switch things up and take a chance, but I've done that stuff before and I get the point. The feeling of being sleepy, wandering around with a heavy backpack kinda got to me. Plus for some reason, I lied to my friends about the hostel thing, telling them that I'd just been staying at other friends' houses. There's a million little pathological reasons I probably did that, and I don't often find myself "lying" about stuff but I think I kinda didn't want to explain anything. Like. Obviously if you're visiting a city, it's totally fine and normal to rent a room or something, so there was simply no reason to lie and I feel weird about it but what am I gonna do? Tell them "oh yeah, I was being dishonest about my lodging situation last week homie"? It's confusing and my best bet is directing them to this blog post.

I'm not proofreading this as I type, I don't know if I have the attention span and Family Guy is playing in the background. Also the previous paragraph is basically a reworking of the one I deleted.

But I don't know. I'm back. I was hoping the trip wasn't for nothing and it definitely wasn't. I just kinda wish I didn't waste much time and money just to realize I should just... stay home. but IT's OK!! I had a good time. Saw friends. Hung out with my Uncle Victor. Went to Zine Mercado. Went to the Sooper Records 10 year anniversary show after my friends roasted "A Large Amount of Corn" in the park. Watched sex, lies, and videotape for the first time. I mean. Once I got some sleep and realized that this was just a visit and not a longterm stay, I was able to enjoy myself. Still stressing out, but idc. It confirmed that I still want to be there eventually, just not now. I realized I have a whole home to return to. You know? I did more socially and fulfilling things in Chicago in one day than I would do in Atlanta in a year, but that'll still be there for a moment. Maybe. I'd just rather, like, have everything together. A home, a "job" (preferably a career), and to be able to move all my stuff in like one go. Idk. I want to kinda "demand" that for myself in that way. Whatever. I hope this makes sense. Plus, I get to spend more time with my niece which is actually one of my favorite things about right now.

I probably seem wacky. That's fine. But like. What else is going on, you know? I'm not a "the world is on fire" type of person because what do you mean? I mean except for the literal fires. Oh right, I'm tired. I'm existentially sleepy so I'm not picking up on metaphors at the moment. I could have gone to sleep at any time but yet I'm recapping my visit in fragmented insecurities and hesitant optimism.

Um. Well, if this some kinda "new chapter" or some kind of checkpoint in monotony, I hope that something really cool happens in this little epoch or whatever. Resisting the urge to also hope nothing bad happens to spite my wishful thinking, but that's just. obsessive compulsion of some kind. Hoping exclusively for good. Now I'm just typing stuff. Circling a general idea. Yawning. 1:35AM. Focus on "getting outta here," whatever that means. I'm going to go drink a cup of soft drink and then brush my teeth before bed so that I don't go to bed with soft drink on my teeth, thusly defeating the purpose of drinking soft drink and any lasting memory of the soft drink flavor...

europe '26

I just wanted to share my recently developed photos from Europe, May 2026. Here is just a portion, not to fully get into a whole post about how the trip went. Uh. Mainly just so I don't forget. Ok. So here:

I think this was in Trier

I very hastily took this photo of the Eiffel Tower while walking, which just so happened to be the exact moment a group had unveiled the Palestine flag for what was probably no longer than one minute.

This is the coolest monument i've seen tbh, it makes me understand why gold is kinda cool

pictoplasma in berlin

from a park in Paris, where mom and I drank beers while waiting for our bus

this is one of those things I repeatedly try to get the perfect picture of, but it's never just right

I passed through some kinda festivities in Malmo, Sweden

also Sweden

Voelklingen

Luxembourg

another building I like near my mom's place in Germany

 

I Forgot

I mean.

I didn't forget I could write or blog for that matter, that would be crazy.

I did just remember it last minute, though. I'm leaving for Chicago for an unspecified amount of time, tomorrow morning. I'm trying to move there, but that remains to be seen. I've been in a state of limbo, or just Georgia.

To summarize the timeline: Last year I agreed to stay in Georgia for the year so that my sister and I could help each other out by having an apartment together and thusly making preparations for a year later (right now), where I was planning to go to Chicago and she was going to try to get her own place for her and the baby or something. It's been cool. Been helping with my niece and it's been fun. In May, I went to Germany, etc, for about a month. Then when I got back, I basically didn't have a job for some reason but that's another story. So I'd been in this weird state of trying to stretch it out to assure a safe landing in Chicago but also trying not to be irresponsible with my unemployment. There were some highlights, of course. I was able to organize all of my storage and thusly sell a bunch of stuff on eBay, which was a new thing for me. It was off to a good start when I sold a VHS copy of They Live for like $80. That's most of my storage, it seems. Physical media that I'm not actively watching but I like having. If it comes down to it, I can get rid of it all, but if I can keep them, then I suppose I will keep them. Um. So yeah. I've been kind of floating but not entirely comfortably because it's still stressful to, you know, job search and plan a way out of here. I guess 2-3 months wasn't exactly enough time to transition into the next phase of things, but it wasn't a waste of time. I might just regret not getting started before I went to Germany, but oh well. Feels a weird type of dishonest to seek local and Chicago work at the same time. Honestly, I'd been flip-flopping on whether to just stay. But, as it stands, I'm going to give Chicago a shot.

I wrote a bit in my journal about a last minute daydream-- what if I actually just stay but keep the apartment to myself? It's not unreasonable but it would be kind of exhausting to just change my mind again. Could be cool. A two-bedroom apartment to myself. Plenty of studio space. But no. No. Nope. It's weirdly tempting but I have to remember I don't like it here. That would just make things worth it if I were to stay here for some reason. But I don't like it here. I mean. What's happening here? Yes, friends I see once a month if I'm lucky. Occasional interesting... things? (No examples). The nature is nice but that's anywhere. The original thing that was making me indecisive was helping my sister and spending time with my niece. I am dreading the fact that I'm not gonna be able to spend the same amount of time with her, but it'll be ok.

Anyway. It took a while to even get to this "Setup" I have in which I'm able to sit at my desk and write/blog/etc, but of course I hadn't been doing it since Winter, basically. At the start of this entry, I was thinking about "Damn, now that I remembered that I can sit and type on my computer, I'm not gonna do it anymore," or something. But. No, I don't need to add that pressure. Of course I'm reminded that it's enjoyable, and that's that. Maybe I'll do it again.

Oh, but the reason I am writing this now is to kind of have something written out before my next post, in which I intend to post some of my photos from my trip to Europe. I was trying to think of a way to share them without resizing etc. Ok. So I'll get to that.

Thanks.

what was I talking 4bout

I've installed this blogging app on my lesser utilized tablet device. I am typing this out like an elder person who has never used a computer,  you know what I mean? I am at Midway airport in Chicago. Charging various devices. I accidentally ordered too big of an iced coffee. Each of my clocks are telling different times. I want to go to the camera store.  I am tempted to get a hotel as an impulse purchase. Not prepared to step into the cold but it's probably not so bad. I  hope that,  if you are reading this,  you are reading it at the  one-letter-at-a-time pace at which I  am typing. It's actually vaguely physically uncomfortable and I'm not used to this keyboard; pressing the space bar instead of the letter "n". 

yawning

Hey, it's last minute. Just wanted to check in before I go to sleep. Took a fragment of a fragment of a 5mg melatonin. Trying to wake up at 7am, for my flight.

I want to write about:

Travel

Why and how I absorbed/interacted with music in the past year, despite the fact that many of the "Year in Review" conversations have come and gone. I think last year's arc tells a story, though.

Same thing as the music thing, but with movies. In the way that I would do it. Oh because I have a whole thought to get out about how your opinion of a movie kinda begins the moment you first hear about it, up until a week later. A hypothetical "you," referring to myself, I guess.

"Process". I wanna write about how and why I've made things.

So, basically, I'm writing about what I want to write, just to see if it makes me follow through. I get too caught up in trying to have control over my narrative. It just sucks when other people get information wrong, and when I invariably lose my memory. Whatever. Relinquish control. For real. But also it couldn't hurt to make an attempt. Sometimes just the "idea" is enough. Skimming. Did I say the same stuff in the last post? I really ought to just go to bed.

Also, I'm not a "Music opinion" and/or "movie review" type of guy, but I think that interacting with these things are kind of benchmarks or whatever in time, and connection to others, by proximity or something. Damn it, I probably sound goofy. It's impossible to get to the bottom of a thought. I also thought about how I don't really complete a thought because everything I write is just about "whatever" and not about a subject. Even then, if I'm writing about a "subject," you don't just go off top, er, with the first draft. I just stay "freewriting" and never return.

Rambling because I'm definitely ready for sleep. I'm definitely anxious about my trip. Just. Doing extra shit instead of admitting to myself "Go to sleep". It's awesome.

Ok, goodnight.

nebulous

 Nothing much. I remembered that I forgot to share some pictures here. Here's one:

It's one of the "doodles" I draw on my desktop calendar when there’s just space. I think I wanted to do one of those aviation goggle hats, but kinda didn't decide on a singular perspective, so it's mangled and that's fine because it's exclusively a doodle. Then I drew a face; someone wearing it, and I think it kinda looks like my niece. It would be funny to put her in one of those costumes.

There's plenty more doodles on my desktop calendar, but what do you do with those? I'd been meaning to scan them or take pictures, but that's so little of a priority. I think it's really interesting. Earnest doodles where I'm sitting at my desk, avoiding doing something and in that idle time I just draw. A pureness that I keep forgetting about, when I keep pressuring myself to create stuff because it constantly feels like time is catching up. Now I'm on the fence-- do I talk more about that feeling of panic rather than just enjoying drawing? Was I gonna talk about something else? Wasn't I about to do something else before I started this entry? I should, you know, do some laundry or something. At least it's something, but so is this, except this has no time restriction. I could write about anything. Random ass time of day: 2:26 PM. Like, ok? Watch me start laundry, forget to put it in the dryer, go outside, hop on the bus, come up with things that I shoulda did before I left the house, get downtown and stand there in a stupor-- having forgotten why I'm even in the city, then remember: I left my "chest bag" at work and I also might have some money to pick up. My wallet and keys are in that bag. A $10 bill and the necklace with ashes in it. Ok, too real. I just don't know who to contact, and I want to pop two birds with one stone if I'm going downtown, at least. That's how I phrased it in my handwritten journal. "Popping two birds" because I don't want to destroy hypothetical birds, for some reason. Well. There's no guarantee that they won't pass on, after having popped them. Anyway, if you're reading this, you're witnessing my (actual) thoughts. Although, am I filtering it all?

That's the thing with having the most recent post be the first thing people see when they open this page. There's not the drawn out explanation I've had about "writing how I talk" etc. Well. Good readers are good readers. I'm not a good reader, technically, but I can figure things out. I "get the idea". Having this kind of attention span actually just comes out as a sort of "divination". You don't necessarily read what's written, you read what you're meant to read. A combination of skimming, "vibes," context, and a constant and open conversation with the personified universe itself. "Personified," being a strong word.

So yeah. If I was going to talk about drawing, like I mentioned above, I've definitely botched that.

There was definitely a bunch of stuff I was supposed to do today. I woke up early. Almost made a list. But it's suddenly almost 3. I don't have to explain it. I'm gonna put on a sweater, and a coat (then possibly regret it, depending on the weather and how fast I walk). Wait, no that's not what's next. I should stop here, and just continue my day!

privy

I'm going to Chicago next week. I'm thinking about how this visit, it's a different place. It'll be the second visit in which I won't have my dad's apartment to stay at while I'm in town. I'm thinking that I forgot what cold is... did I already mention that here? Just ordered socks and gloves. That's really it. I can physically handle the cold, but I'm starting to fixate on it. Like. Why am I making myself go up there? Because flights were cheaper? Because I wanted to set a precedent for travel in the new year? Seems, existentially, beyond my control.

mostly

I let a few days go by; initially, not because I'd lost the habit but there was one day where I just didn't write and I also didn't even think about it. Also probably ran out of time. None of that matters, though. It's interesting exclusively to me. To think about why momentum stops and starts, etc.

So, right now:

We just celebrated Nicolette's first birthday. We all had a good time. Got kind of exhausting for everyone, especially Nicolette. We got a lot of pictures.

Everyone is seemingly looking back at 2016. Began as an arbitrary trend, but I think the moment anyone entertains the idea, they kind of realize something. Maybe it's about how recent "10 years ago" is. When I was looking for 2016, my mind immediately went to "oh, I was probably in high school". No. Not at all. 2016 was when things started moving. That doesn't say much, but it was around the time we moved to Atlanta. The year Casey premiered Pink Cloud. I started to get into art shows and stuff. More of a social life. Things started happening, in a different way, for what feels like a moment. So, no, I don't think this is a "trend" that warrants any kind of ridicule. It's natural, but through the almost unnatural capability of literally viewing yourself from another time. Whatever though, it's probably not that deep. But it's cool.

Earlier this week, I "premiered" a new video that I made at the PowerPoint Party show, in front of an audience. I accompanied it with a faux Q & A portion, that I made seconds before leaving the house, if only to adhere to the PowerPoint medium that the night is founded upon. Maybe I can link the video, here:

Does that work? It probably won't work in 10 years. 2 years. I don't trust embedded media, but whatever. That sentence makes me feel insane. "I don't trust embedded media". Nerd.

It worked out because the joke became "I'm doing a Q & A for a 30 second short film". That's fine. While I was at the venue, I uploaded the video, and that's cool to me. Ages ago, I would have loved to have a recurring event at which I could "premiere" a new video to a live audience and have it subsequently premiere to the internet audience. All I could’ve asked for, at several points in my "career". It's also cool because it validates the work. It's more than a "wacky little internet video". Ehh. Times have changed.

I also hope to write a post dedicated to the vertical video format. In the same way I hope to write about VHS, I want to write about phone video. When will I get around to: writing?

I've become OK with talking openly about ideas and aspirations, I guess. It's not so much annoying that I'm talking about things that are liable to not ever happen as much as sending the intent out into the world and if nothing happens, then the thought is there. Also not as anxious about my ideas being stolen. Please, take them, at this point. I mean. Don't take them. But it's fine if you already have done that. Just don't ruin my ideas. And that's subjective.

So. With these recent events, I feel fine. Going to Chicago next week. It was cold today. I imagine it'll be much colder in Chicago. Hopefully I remain indoors. I should probably see if I have any shoes with traction. "Wool socks". Gloves. Scarf. I forget how cold the cold can be until I get cold.

ok, goodnight.

plenty

I thought I was gonna babysit today, but I ended up not.

I think I've been dragging because I took a portion of melatonin last night. I'd forgotten why I don't take it so often and now: I remember! So.

One of those days where you didn't plan anything and so now you have nothing planned.

That's fine. Still working on my current project, slowly and surely.

Well, I started writing this while charging my Apple Pencil. Now I'm just tired. Accidental lazy day. It's fine. Have to remind myself that it's fine. Yawning.

Literally just didn't have to post anything here; completely inconsequential. However, I must've wanted to say something. Oh, I remember.

At one point, when I realized I had free time, I'd begun kind of trying to organize all my boxes and stuff. One day, I'd hope to finally and definitively organize my stuff. Art supplies in one place. "Physical Media". Clothes. "Memorabilia". One day I want to have a place to put it all. I'm ok with having a storage unit, I'm just constantly stressed about what stuff is what. One day, I'll have a proper art studio. One day I'll figure out what to do with all my VHS tapes.

Alright, I'm done. I'm tired.

Disculpe

Hey. Today's my day off. I want to go outside. The weather seems nice; I thought it was going to be cloudy.

I technically drew something yesterday, but it was for a project:

I deliberately took this hasty picture of the screen because I'm not done. It's not a secret, especially because no one is reading this, but. It's not done. This is the "main" project I've been working on, for myself. I'd done a couple projects for other people at the end of the year, and I told myself I wanted to finish my own thing but treat it as seriously as those other ones. Make time for it, etc. But it's still been really slow paced. I accidentally created a situation in which I'm actually doing a lot of frame-by-frame "animation" which isn't really what I wanted to do with this piece because I'm trying to be an amateur if I've never actually made a full work of animation before and basically I want my "early works" to look like "early works". Self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess.

I'm not making much sense, maybe. I want it to look simple but I chose a project that requires what'll look like I went for something a little more ambitious than my skill will allow for. Eh. Maybe it'll make sense when I'm done.

But no. I need to go outside. I don't have anything I need to do outside, but I really ought to go. Possibly work on one of my little videos. Get some "exercise" and some Vitamin D. Alright, now I'm just saying stuff.

sprite

Today, I babysat Nicolette. She took good naps, which is cool because she wakes up happy.

I've also been thinking about how "blogs" became one-line "statuses," and that eventually just became "tweets". Because what if all I have to say is one thing? Not nothing, not a paragraph? Then of course you used to have those wise guys who'd complain "I don't care that you brushed your teeth! I don't care about your everyday life!" and stuff. But now that actually kind of just sounds nice. I'd be happy to find out that my friends are brushing their teeth or not brushing their teeth. I mean. As a concept.

After I drew this one, I realized how much sketchbook real estate it took just to make myself feel like I drew something that day. Of course, a sketchbook is whatever you want it to be, that's the whole thing. In high school they made us do daily prompts in our sketchbooks, now that I think of it. I was really hyped on this one thing I did where I basically filled the page with "dots" from dipping my pencil eraser in, I think, primary colored paints. Evenly spaced out-- rows and columns. But also, I think the whole point is to kind of "get started" and inspire you to make something else, like you were "prepping" the page to be drawn on or something. Or am I misunderstanding that? Was the goal to kind of just make "something"? I think it was the former. That said, why would I want to draw over that? Those dots were the art.

I took a nap, somehow. Babysitting means waking up early. I work Saturday nights and it takes me a moment to fall asleep. I wasn't noticeably tired all day but then I kinda just crashed once my sister got back home. It's necessary, though. I forgot why I brought up the nap. It's like you spend your youth wondering why you don't take naps like other people do, and then when you finally accept that you can't really take naps, that's when your body decides to let you start taking naps. It's always been this kind of situation, though, Misplaced sleep. When I think of it, I try to value sleep. To reduce body aches and fatigue. Noticing that I must be tired when I start worrying if everyone's mad at me. No one's mad at me! ...right?

three for three

 Jittery.

The last thing I wrote in my physical journal was "I want to draw pictures". I know what I mean.

I took the bus to Marta Arts Center Station yesterday, then I walked to work from there. I try to do that if I have about an hour and 20-ish minutes before I have to be there. I thought a lot about what I could and should be writing here. How this, these past couple of days, has just been general "thoughts". Now I remember something I wanted to talk about, but I'd have to start over.

Also. The bus ride to the station. Once it gets downtown, there's a sequence of things. Closer to the station, there's the Center for the Puppetry Arts (I recommend to anyone). The complex of: Center Stage, The Loft, and The Vinyl. I went to, I think, three shows there total: Odd Future, one version of the band Goblin, and most recently Claudio Simonetti's version of the band Goblin-- performing a live score with a screening of Demons.

After that, there's a comedy theater of some kind that I've heard absolutely no one mention or acknowledge after all these years. In front of that building, there is always a food delivery robot that gets stuck in the same spot. Then there's the gas station where my parents and/or a third party would bring me so I can go to one home or the other. Life is weird as hell but it's also just life.

Oh, I also wanted to mention how, uh, I forgot. Something about how I have the "adhd" thing where I read, out of sequence. I forgot how I was going to tie that in. Maybe there's a parallel to how I write. Or how I will probably never effectively read this stuff ever again after I've posted it. Eh.

Here's the thing I drew after I got off the bus:

See, I forgot that I actually just wanted to talk about, like, music or something, but this is fine. I never talk about music! I ought to get going though.

Again!

 Just, you know, following up yesterday's entry. Not to make this a daily thing, but to create the illusion of "sequence". I sound crazy! Had this idea to post this drawing I did yesterday:

I don't know if I'll draw everyday, but if I believe in anything, it's setting some intentions on the first day of the year. Even if our calendar is bull crap! Any day is "now," you know?

So, I don't know. Maybe I'll build up to some kind of collusion of "this is what I wrote; this is what I drew". Wait, but why am I doing that again? I guess just to kind of catch up. I feel like I've been too quiet and too boring the last couple of years, and I can't tell how much of that is because of aging and how much of that is because of, like, disbelief in myself or something.

Most of what's on my mind at any time is something about my "work," my little projects, and it kind of disengages me from just being present and just "hanging out". Always trying to make every little moment into the movie version of what it is, instead of just enjoying.

I should maybe reserve this format, maybe, for when I have a specific topic. Or not. I've been really wanting to write a piece on why I'd been choosing VHS as a medium. That kind of thing.

Ok, that's enough for today.

2026

 So, anyway, yeah.

Telling myself to write, publicly, with some form of consistency. I journal, privately, everyday, but I could also just "share". I might try to split the difference. I write how I think I talk. I hope to type how I write.

Immediately, here's what's happening: New Year's Day, 2026. It's the evening. I just turned on Fantastic Planet because I'd like to believe it's a tradition, with no concrete origin. I think a movie like this or Holy Mountain, etc, is a good thing to watch on the first day. Something for the spirit. I watched it on this day last year, followed by David Lynch: The Art Life, while I painted something I ended up never finishing. It never felt right to finish it, for a couple of reasons.

Right now, I'm watching the movie on mute, as I type. My sister is cooking dinner and she put on a record, so the music is kind of a backdrop. My niece, Nicolette, is sitting in her high chair, watching my sister cook while she snacks on some kind of novelty, shaped macaroni. I'm not fully engaging with the movie because it's playing as a ritual. It's still visually appealing enough that it's not like I'm not watching it.

I'm not holding myself to an obligation, but I feel like there's not enough contexts in which I could be as "open" as I want to be. I mean. I could go back to just drawing pictures, and hoping that expresses something indescribable. It still seems like no one "gets it". But, if I write somewhere where there's no doubt in what I mean (even though people who understand me still skew information), then there ought to not be any ambiguity. Eh. I doubt I'm going to make any grand statements, though. This is just the kind of thought I tend to have before boarding a plane or something. Thoughts like "if I crash, no one will have known what my favorite color was," etc. And that actually drives me nuts, but ultimately I accept it. It's whatever. No one has to know what my favorite color is, although I do expect everyone to know what my favorite color is and how much that means. But it also doesn't matter. I guess the beauty is in not fully knowing any one full thing about a person.

I don't know how I'll know when I'm finished writing here. I'm speaking from a different voice, knowing 2 people might attentively read the whole thing. Already, I'm noticing my themes appearing in my writing, though. I'm almost certain I've written before about this whole fatalist thing of people only knowing one "part" of you and the people who outlive you will be conflicted as to which one of those parts of you is the definitive one. Ah. Well. I can't stress myself out about that. Plus, honestly, I might feel differently about that now, after the loss of my father. Not to brush past that, but I could go on about that for a while, and I'm not sure that needs to be on my "public" thing, here.

How about this-- maybe I'll talk about 2025, going into 2026. The obvious topic.

Happy about getting a niece. She's cool. For the past few months, I've been babysitting her every Sunday and some Tuesdays. She's happy.

Lost a lot of people in 2025. Cousins. My father. An uncle, most recently. Again, I don't want to brush past that but also how do I even begin to write a proper tribute? Been conflicted because there's never a "right time". Still, I'll talk about that later.

I'm glad I also worked on some "real" animation projects. I don't feel like an animator, and it's still not quite what I'm going for. Regardless, I am appreciative of the fact that some skills learned over time have resulted in me contributing work to other artists.

I went to Germany, again. Maybe I'll post the pictures here. Been trying to find the proper place to show them because I really like the details. It was a good trip. Passed through London to get there and on my way out. Spent a night in London. Hm. Maybe I'll tell that story alongside the photos.

I don't know. Those are the "highlights" I guess. Notable moments. Pretty "even" as far as good things vs. bad, maybe.

Looking forward, I essentially have the same trips planned. Brief visits in Chicago in January and February. Both trips are "anchored" around shows I want to see. Last year I went for a week, intending to see Alan Resnick, but his show got moved to April and I ended up missing that one. Still, that same week, I got to revisit the Chicago Puppetry Festival, and this upcoming trip falls on the first week of that. So far, I've only gone to their exhibit and a couple of symposiums but I want to attend an actual show. No one I know is, like, "into" that stuff, or not enough to go there with me. I think the magic of it is how I sort of stumbled upon it. Foggy, cold, dimly lit, surreal puppet exhibition at the Fine Arts Building. Impossible to replicate what made it cool. We'll see what happens, I guess. It wasn't quite as mystical this second time around though, but still an experience. I think what that means is that it would just be cooler to see someone else witness it for the first time. Oh Well. This time around, I'm planning to see Cate le Bon. Idk. Life makes fun of you for having plans, so, who knows? That's not me being pessimistic though.

I'm planning to go in February, literally to see The Fiery Furnaces, one of my favorite bands. I've listened to them since high school, around the time I had a friend of mine put a bunch of songs onto my iPod shuffle. Not sure if their music was on their but it was the same person who showed them to me. I say "favorite" in the sense that, after repeating some of their albums for an entire summer at a time or something, I'll occasionally run it back every few months, etc. (I didn't phrase that carefully enough, but I'm sure the occurrence is common enough that I don't need to explain how listening to music works). I don't know who else listens to them, and I couldn't fairly "recommend" them because it would feel weird. Hard to explain. Still, I think it's worth the trip. Last year, though, the same trip was to see another comedian. Again, I use the shows and the cheapness of winter flights to Chicago as my excuse to visit. Oddly, though, this visit was the last time I saw my dad, so I appreciate that I went.

I'm also planning to go back to Germany, hopefully for a slightly longer visit, in May. Last year, I was hoping, in addition to obviously spending time with Mom, to find my way to Berlin to kind of check out the Pictoplasma, um, festival(?). It probably wouldn't have made sense though, since it's a ticketed thing (I think) and I also hadn't even submitted any animation or anything, and ideally one might submit work to a festival or buy a ticket to attend something like that. I was just hoping to kinda show up, so it's just as well that I didn't make it, you know? I just do things for the exploration of an idea, I guess. This time around, I kinda plan on doing the same thing. Maybe submit something if I could finish something (kind of bold of me to think I could just 'submit' something all willy-nilly like I even kinda know what I'm doing. (Not calling myself bold, I'm just speaking some kind of reason into my daydreams.)) or idk buy admission. Maybe I'll meet people. Maybe I'll stare quietly and panic. Time to break some kind of pattern. Again, either way, I will have tried, and I will still have visited my mom.

To whom it may concern, I'm not doing these things-- taking trips, etc-- just for "fun".

Anyway, yeah, I'm rambling. If this entry was worth anything, it was to kind of summarize and draw parallels between last year's first quarter and hopefully this year's.

I kind of feel good about writing this stuff, though. It barely scratches the surface of what I want to do with writing publicly (I could just say the word "blogging"). Other methods don't quite do the trick. Would anyone want to see this stuff in print? A handwritten letter? Whatever. We'll see what happens.

I mentioned a few things that deserve their own entry. Comes with the territory. I'm clearly trying to wrap this up. Nicolette is smiling and laughing. I just started playing MM.. FOOD on the record player and New Year's dinner's almost ready. I wanna keep typing, but nah.

More art, more painting, more drawing, more animation, more film and video, more performance, and more travel as a result and as a means! Seems no different than years before, so I hope I'm not trapping myself in an endless selfish loop. I hope I make some friends and lose less people!

(this took about 2 hours to write)