note

wait I just thought of something, I might come back to this thought. What if, especially something like this blog or whatever, I actually talk more about working on stuff and maybe it'll become, then, "the thing that is going on". Because like I'm just talking about "life" stuff. What if I just talk about working on stuff since that's what I wanna be doing. Ok. Whatever. Just had the thought and this window was open so I thought I'd jot it down.

gloop

 hey what's good.

the very same stuff is going on, i'm sure. I mean, generally.

I'm waiting on my mom to get here on Sunday, that'll be cool.

I am currently missing a concert I'd wanted to go to for a long time. Sold my ticket. Usually I figure out a way to make that kinda stuff work but, you know, I'm still unemployed.

I guess anyone who's just been unemployed as an adult has had this kinda episode. Like, occasionally I'll see a peer that's unemployed and wonder how, like why not just get a job, and then somehow their job is something I have nothing to do with like software engineering or something. How did some of yall end up in that kinda business.  Jobs "other people" have are always something like that. Like. What is "coding"? I know the whole thing but seriously what is it? I'm not gonna go outta my way at my age and just get into that as a job option. Yet, at the same time I'd been handed a constant slew of kitchen jobs and never at any point have I shown any interest in serving people food. They should invent a job that's something I want to be doing. I am "of an age" now. If I'm still in the kitchen at this point it's because I want to be (one might think!). This is the age where, if you're working in a kitchen, you're also planning a pop-up or some shit. This stuff really gets under my skin, I'm sorry. Ahem.. Because that's how one "levels up". You can only go from one kitchen to another kitchen... or you can start a restaurant. There's a dread that creeps unto me when I think of the fact that I'll have to decide what to say at another kitchen interview. "Yeah, I'm just interested in seeing how a different kitchen works," or some nonsense that is an attempt at being normal and enthusiastic while the truth seeps through. Bleh. I mean. That would be the only thing I remotely care about. The morbid curiosity of the inner workings of yet another kitchen.

I can dread all I want but I need to be working. I've wasted too much time. And of course it won't be so bad once I'm just there, working.

And that's the thing. The less mature parts of me are scanning for an option of a thing to blame for why I'm still unemployed or in kitchens. Blame isn't it. There's ways to get back on my feet, in one way or the other. (That's me starting to be vague, again) If "art" is the "job" then there's "jobs" for "artists". Ways to do it. Like, it's not an aspiration at this point. It's who I've been and therefore who I have to be to continue with any (this is gonna sound dramatic) dignity. Also, on that, no disrespect for cooks or whatever. I say this all the time but if I didn't have to cook, I'd probably enjoy it. I spitefully forget everything about cooking once I'm clocked out. But no, something I think about is how, like, working at a film lab or something is a "cute," convenient job for an aspiring career photographer. It's too late to have been climbing up a ladder at an art supply store or like a movie theater or something. (see, even here I'm afraid to "show my hand" and put a name on whatever art path I want to settle on as if that's not part of the problem). Eh. And yeah anyone wiser would tell you there's no shame in just working a completely unrelated field and just working on stuff on the side. But I promise you. I'm beyond that. And I’m a little bit aware of the hubris of saying that, but I can't help it. Maybe it's something to examine, if I just have the full thought: I am too good to work in another kitchen. *sigh*. I mean. Yeah. I continue to think that and, then what, I end up going even longer without a job because I'm too proud? Ok?

What sucks is that, in this situation, you're literally left only to think about that. "Gotta work". Can't ease back and think about "is everyone else alright?" -- I mean, obviously I do think about all that but I'm also thinking about "what about 2 years from now?" "Maybe I shouldn't worry" and all these things that I have to immediately deem as a distraction. I want to, you know, think about "life". Not just one superfluous part of it. The world is huge, it's crazy. Why am I stuck doing one part of it?

um.

What was I gonna say? Yeah, Idk, I keep kinda daydreaming about really getting into the whole "selling art" thing. "Commissions". That whole thing. It's literally not impossible but why is it embarrassing? Some of it is the fact that I haven't even made any recognizable "art," lately, just fragments of bigger pieces that don't do anything. Ok that's kind of a lame excuse, now that I'm thinking of it. It's not that. It's like. Could I not just keep my head down and draw pictures everyday? Am I too distracted. No, that's not it, either. I think that stuff is all probably fine, but trying to do that stuff last minute is gonna be awkward. It's gonna feel desperate. Alright I'm giving away too much. I am sure no one reads this, but that seems like too much "inside of head" thought. Idk. I'm just like trying to uncover the negativity growing up when they tell you to come up with a backup plan because a career as an artist is "unrealistic". I'm sure I've written about that before, but it makes less and less sense to me that anyone would tell you that. Like. No, I am very sure I am supposed to be doing this. Nothing else makes sense. It only becomes "unrealistic" because you literally just told us to do something else. So now I've wasted my time doing "something else". Are you stupid? (I can't put a face to the amalgamated "adult" who tells this to kids).

Whatever. I didn't think I was gonna rant, but I guess I had to. Did I make a point?

mr noodle

I'm doing that thing again ! I'm not sure if "again" is appropriate but still. Something.

I want to talk about "feeling bad" but anyone reading this has gotta b cool about it, you know? At worst when I "feel bad" I just don't do anything. Whatever I feel now isn't the worst. I'm still active, able to talk to people if there's anybody there, you know, I can play with my niece and that's always good. In fact, why did I just forego playing with my niece just to hide in my room and type on the computer? Ok, the word I'm looking for is lethargic. Not bad, not much of anything. I knew "bad" was too strong to begin with. I'm lethargic! You can say that and smile! But I won't!

So that's where I'm at. As in, literally don't talk to me about that, that's not the point. I would describe it as, the best feeling I could feel right now is ignoring stuff and putting off doing stuff. Yet, "laying down" would feel uncomfortable.

But there's direct cause and effect.

This whole summer, you know, being unemployed but also in a purgatory of Will I / Won't I move to Chicago, I spent most of the time indoors. I spent a lot of time babysitting, which meant I had to plan out how to go outside. I could take her outside in the stroller, but it would have to be after her nap. Sometimes after her nap it would be raining or 90 degrees. If not that, I mean, I just wouldn't feel like it. So, I wasn't active, and that has a lot to do with becoming lethargic later on. And of course I'm also self conscious about the possibility that I'm a lil chubbier again. It may or may not be true and it ultimately may not matter but the feeling I get when I look at current pictures of myself is crazy, it's like startling and embarrassing. I literally don't want to have a dialogue with anyone about weight/fat/etc, no one ever really gets it right. I also don't feel very "allowed" to talk about it, if that makes sense. Oh right, just remembered therapy again but even they kinda don't respond the right way. It's still gonna be a minute before I return to therapy, I think the trend has kinda come and gone, if I can be somewhat nuanced about it. One would think that I would get back into that after losing my father but like nah. I forgot my logic if why it'd be too soon. I mean maybe that's it. Too soon. Maybe that's kinda the whole thing. It's one thing, it's many interconnected things. Inclined to summarize it as: "even if I succeed (in something), I have increasingly less people to show it to" or something. Is that kool?

I think I get more embarrassed about not crying. There's too much weight to the act of it, and the fact that I don't do it probably just signifies how much I overthink. I can cry watching movies, especially in the theater. That's gratifying. But DAMN! I'm a robot, otherwise. I've built this weird personality of myself and I actually can't tell you if it's a "man" thing because my gut tells me it's not but still "you" think it is. I'm just someone *watching* the world, most of the time. And yet, I gotta participate. I gotta be the conduit for this art I feel. I'm obligated to have an opinion. I gotta consume something. I can do one or the other: watch or participate, sure, but don't set me up for one and make me take on the tasks of another. Alright, now I'm just saying stuff. What's the literary device, Man vs. Author or something?

Maybe it's not a "man" thing and I should make it a "man" thing. Does anyone else talk about this? Does anyone else notice stuff? I can't be the only one that notices stuff because it's not fair to notice stuff but still have a room in semi-flux of unpacked and to be 35 and freaking scared.

Oh, um.

Meant to talk about how despite the lethargy, I convinced myself to go downtown to look at Dragon Con. I was literally hyped about getting the day pass earlier this morning and the moment I tried to buy it, it was sold out. Just as well, I guess. I figured the least I could do was go down there to take pictures with my disposable camera and just look at stuff. It's crazy. Reminded of my age. Like. The one time I actually "went" was probably 10 years ago, and I was with friends, and we snuck in. I'm reminded that there's no part of that I could really replicate. Uh. Yeah. So. I went down there just to do something, despite my mood telling me to stay home.

Anyway. I don't know if it's Georgia that makes me feel so empty or like the lack of a social group or "loss" or everybody feels this way in 2026, but I was certainly enjoying myself that one day in Chicago when we ate A Large Amount of Corn in the park and stuff. I was feeling ok in Berlin, you know? I was still shy and felt like an outsider but still had a good time. I mean, today actually kinda reminded me a lot of that except today was a little more "What's the point?". So, Idk, maybe I've accidentally/intentionally made myself "lonely," which is also a buzzword I probably ought not declare unto myself. I've devalued the free will of saying "Hey do you want to hang out". No, I mean I specifically avoided it because I lost trust in folks and decided to only hang out if someone else asked.

But actually, this is all probably a good thing. Once I'm no longer unemployed, I won't feel inactive, for one. The fact that I get myself up and out, that's perfectly fine. The fact that I still have my habits, in a way, the fact that I can still experiment with asking people to hang out or something... the thing I mean there is something that can't be described, I think. But you know. I think at this time, I'm rebuilding, to at least feel fine. And yeah, I hate that I have to keep running into little patches of time where I feel less than "fine" but whatever at least I get to feel fine. I was feeling fine for a year or so, and now I'm just zombified. Eh. Just need to go outside and drink water, so to speak.

Whatever.

Maybe drawing little crazy pictures helps. That's my whole thing, hmph.

Anyway, don't hit me up about this stuff, you know? It exists in the internet and that's enough.

Good  Night !

goog

i'm tired

but not like '2009 facebook status high schooler trying to get a response' tired if that communicates anything.

It's just 11 after midnight and will be soon off to slumber.

But. Existentially, I am a lil sleepy.

I came back from Chicago on Sunday and slept for 5 hours and then later went to sleep for the night for about 8 or 9 or 10 or less hours, who knows.

I wrote in a mini journal that I got from the Walgreens by my friend's house in Chicago, with a little boba tea character printed on the front cover. There's probably still some in stock, if anyone else wants 1. But yeah, I wrote exactly one entry while I was up there, as a bridge between notebooks/journals. Uh. Anyway, that's where I'd finally rationalized my situation.

I got there Tuesday, wandered around with my backpack. I explored, optimistic. Visited the Harold Washington Library. I went to my friend's house for the night. Watched that Norwegian black metal documentary. I went to sleep and woke up four hours later because I was self conscious about snoring and so I was just.. awake.

I'd actually had 3 job interviews lined up on Wednesday, somehow. I can't tell how candid I ought to be about this stuff just yet or why this story is relevant, but whatever. I was wandering around for a while, increasingly sleep deprived and having an inner debate about whether this is something I really wanna do. I needed to think about it and in doing so I basically just skipped out on all three interviews.

*I just wrote and deleted a paragraph because I was kinda rambling*

I rented a room at a hostel or something. Realized that if I stay in Chicago, it's gonna be a series of me sleeping at friends and family's houses (which was kind of the plan, anyway) and idk I'm kinda getting older and I don't want to exert all my energy on this kind of risky life choice. Like yeah it's cool to kinda switch things up and take a chance, but I've done that stuff before and I get the point. The feeling of being sleepy, wandering around with a heavy backpack kinda got to me. Plus for some reason, I lied to my friends about the hostel thing, telling them that I'd just been staying at other friends' houses. There's a million little pathological reasons I probably did that, and I don't often find myself "lying" about stuff but I think I kinda didn't want to explain anything. Like. Obviously if you're visiting a city, it's totally fine and normal to rent a room or something, so there was simply no reason to lie and I feel weird about it but what am I gonna do? Tell them "oh yeah, I was being dishonest about my lodging situation last week homie"? It's confusing and my best bet is directing them to this blog post.

I'm not proofreading this as I type, I don't know if I have the attention span and Family Guy is playing in the background. Also the previous paragraph is basically a reworking of the one I deleted.

But I don't know. I'm back. I was hoping the trip wasn't for nothing and it definitely wasn't. I just kinda wish I didn't waste much time and money just to realize I should just... stay home. but IT's OK!! I had a good time. Saw friends. Hung out with my Uncle Victor. Went to Zine Mercado. Went to the Sooper Records 10 year anniversary show after my friends roasted "A Large Amount of Corn" in the park. Watched sex, lies, and videotape for the first time. I mean. Once I got some sleep and realized that this was just a visit and not a longterm stay, I was able to enjoy myself. Still stressing out, but idc. It confirmed that I still want to be there eventually, just not now. I realized I have a whole home to return to. You know? I did more socially and fulfilling things in Chicago in one day than I would do in Atlanta in a year, but that'll still be there for a moment. Maybe. I'd just rather, like, have everything together. A home, a "job" (preferably a career), and to be able to move all my stuff in like one go. Idk. I want to kinda "demand" that for myself in that way. Whatever. I hope this makes sense. Plus, I get to spend more time with my niece which is actually one of my favorite things about right now.

I probably seem wacky. That's fine. But like. What else is going on, you know? I'm not a "the world is on fire" type of person because what do you mean? I mean except for the literal fires. Oh right, I'm tired. I'm existentially sleepy so I'm not picking up on metaphors at the moment. I could have gone to sleep at any time but yet I'm recapping my visit in fragmented insecurities and hesitant optimism.

Um. Well, if this some kinda "new chapter" or some kind of checkpoint in monotony, I hope that something really cool happens in this little epoch or whatever. Resisting the urge to also hope nothing bad happens to spite my wishful thinking, but that's just. obsessive compulsion of some kind. Hoping exclusively for good. Now I'm just typing stuff. Circling a general idea. Yawning. 1:35AM. Focus on "getting outta here," whatever that means. I'm going to go drink a cup of soft drink and then brush my teeth before bed so that I don't go to bed with soft drink on my teeth, thusly defeating the purpose of drinking soft drink and any lasting memory of the soft drink flavor...

europe '26

I just wanted to share my recently developed photos from Europe, May 2026. Here is just a portion, not to fully get into a whole post about how the trip went. Uh. Mainly just so I don't forget. Ok. So here:

I think this was in Trier

I very hastily took this photo of the Eiffel Tower while walking, which just so happened to be the exact moment a group had unveiled the Palestine flag for what was probably no longer than one minute.

This is the coolest monument i've seen tbh, it makes me understand why gold is kinda cool

pictoplasma in berlin

from a park in Paris, where mom and I drank beers while waiting for our bus

this is one of those things I repeatedly try to get the perfect picture of, but it's never just right

I passed through some kinda festivities in Malmo, Sweden

also Sweden

Voelklingen

Luxembourg

another building I like near my mom's place in Germany

 

I Forgot

I mean.

I didn't forget I could write or blog for that matter, that would be crazy.

I did just remember it last minute, though. I'm leaving for Chicago for an unspecified amount of time, tomorrow morning. I'm trying to move there, but that remains to be seen. I've been in a state of limbo, or just Georgia.

To summarize the timeline: Last year I agreed to stay in Georgia for the year so that my sister and I could help each other out by having an apartment together and thusly making preparations for a year later (right now), where I was planning to go to Chicago and she was going to try to get her own place for her and the baby or something. It's been cool. Been helping with my niece and it's been fun. In May, I went to Germany, etc, for about a month. Then when I got back, I basically didn't have a job for some reason but that's another story. So I'd been in this weird state of trying to stretch it out to assure a safe landing in Chicago but also trying not to be irresponsible with my unemployment. There were some highlights, of course. I was able to organize all of my storage and thusly sell a bunch of stuff on eBay, which was a new thing for me. It was off to a good start when I sold a VHS copy of They Live for like $80. That's most of my storage, it seems. Physical media that I'm not actively watching but I like having. If it comes down to it, I can get rid of it all, but if I can keep them, then I suppose I will keep them. Um. So yeah. I've been kind of floating but not entirely comfortably because it's still stressful to, you know, job search and plan a way out of here. I guess 2-3 months wasn't exactly enough time to transition into the next phase of things, but it wasn't a waste of time. I might just regret not getting started before I went to Germany, but oh well. Feels a weird type of dishonest to seek local and Chicago work at the same time. Honestly, I'd been flip-flopping on whether to just stay. But, as it stands, I'm going to give Chicago a shot.

I wrote a bit in my journal about a last minute daydream-- what if I actually just stay but keep the apartment to myself? It's not unreasonable but it would be kind of exhausting to just change my mind again. Could be cool. A two-bedroom apartment to myself. Plenty of studio space. But no. No. Nope. It's weirdly tempting but I have to remember I don't like it here. That would just make things worth it if I were to stay here for some reason. But I don't like it here. I mean. What's happening here? Yes, friends I see once a month if I'm lucky. Occasional interesting... things? (No examples). The nature is nice but that's anywhere. The original thing that was making me indecisive was helping my sister and spending time with my niece. I am dreading the fact that I'm not gonna be able to spend the same amount of time with her, but it'll be ok.

Anyway. It took a while to even get to this "Setup" I have in which I'm able to sit at my desk and write/blog/etc, but of course I hadn't been doing it since Winter, basically. At the start of this entry, I was thinking about "Damn, now that I remembered that I can sit and type on my computer, I'm not gonna do it anymore," or something. But. No, I don't need to add that pressure. Of course I'm reminded that it's enjoyable, and that's that. Maybe I'll do it again.

Oh, but the reason I am writing this now is to kind of have something written out before my next post, in which I intend to post some of my photos from my trip to Europe. I was trying to think of a way to share them without resizing etc. Ok. So I'll get to that.

Thanks.

what was I talking 4bout

I've installed this blogging app on my lesser utilized tablet device. I am typing this out like an elder person who has never used a computer,  you know what I mean? I am at Midway airport in Chicago. Charging various devices. I accidentally ordered too big of an iced coffee. Each of my clocks are telling different times. I want to go to the camera store.  I am tempted to get a hotel as an impulse purchase. Not prepared to step into the cold but it's probably not so bad. I  hope that,  if you are reading this,  you are reading it at the  one-letter-at-a-time pace at which I  am typing. It's actually vaguely physically uncomfortable and I'm not used to this keyboard; pressing the space bar instead of the letter "n".