what was I talking 4bout

I've installed this blogging app on my lesser utilized tablet device. I am typing this out like an elder person who has never used a computer,  you know what I mean? I am at Midway airport in Chicago. Charging various devices. I accidentally ordered too big of an iced coffee. Each of my clocks are telling different times. I want to go to the camera store.  I am tempted to get a hotel as an impulse purchase. Not prepared to step into the cold but it's probably not so bad. I  hope that,  if you are reading this,  you are reading it at the  one-letter-at-a-time pace at which I  am typing. It's actually vaguely physically uncomfortable and I'm not used to this keyboard; pressing the space bar instead of the letter "n". 

yawning

Hey, it's last minute. Just wanted to check in before I go to sleep. Took a fragment of a fragment of a 5mg melatonin. Trying to wake up at 7am, for my flight.

I want to write about:

Travel

Why and how I absorbed/interacted with music in the past year, despite the fact that many of the "Year in Review" conversations have come and gone. I think last year's arc tells a story, though.

Same thing as the music thing, but with movies. In the way that I would do it. Oh because I have a whole thought to get out about how your opinion of a movie kinda begins the moment you first hear about it, up until a week later. A hypothetical "you," referring to myself, I guess.

"Process". I wanna write about how and why I've made things.

So, basically, I'm writing about what I want to write, just to see if it makes me follow through. I get too caught up in trying to have control over my narrative. It just sucks when other people get information wrong, and when I invariably lose my memory. Whatever. Relinquish control. For real. But also it couldn't hurt to make an attempt. Sometimes just the "idea" is enough. Skimming. Did I say the same stuff in the last post? I really ought to just go to bed.

Also, I'm not a "Music opinion" and/or "movie review" type of guy, but I think that interacting with these things are kind of benchmarks or whatever in time, and connection to others, by proximity or something. Damn it, I probably sound goofy. It's impossible to get to the bottom of a thought. I also thought about how I don't really complete a thought because everything I write is just about "whatever" and not about a subject. Even then, if I'm writing about a "subject," you don't just go off top, er, with the first draft. I just stay "freewriting" and never return.

Rambling because I'm definitely ready for sleep. I'm definitely anxious about my trip. Just. Doing extra shit instead of admitting to myself "Go to sleep". It's awesome.

Ok, goodnight.

nebulous

 Nothing much. I remembered that I forgot to share some pictures here. Here's one:

It's one of the "doodles" I draw on my desktop calendar when there’s just space. I think I wanted to do one of those aviation goggle hats, but kinda didn't decide on a singular perspective, so it's mangled and that's fine because it's exclusively a doodle. Then I drew a face; someone wearing it, and I think it kinda looks like my niece. It would be funny to put her in one of those costumes.

There's plenty more doodles on my desktop calendar, but what do you do with those? I'd been meaning to scan them or take pictures, but that's so little of a priority. I think it's really interesting. Earnest doodles where I'm sitting at my desk, avoiding doing something and in that idle time I just draw. A pureness that I keep forgetting about, when I keep pressuring myself to create stuff because it constantly feels like time is catching up. Now I'm on the fence-- do I talk more about that feeling of panic rather than just enjoying drawing? Was I gonna talk about something else? Wasn't I about to do something else before I started this entry? I should, you know, do some laundry or something. At least it's something, but so is this, except this has no time restriction. I could write about anything. Random ass time of day: 2:26 PM. Like, ok? Watch me start laundry, forget to put it in the dryer, go outside, hop on the bus, come up with things that I shoulda did before I left the house, get downtown and stand there in a stupor-- having forgotten why I'm even in the city, then remember: I left my "chest bag" at work and I also might have some money to pick up. My wallet and keys are in that bag. A $10 bill and the necklace with ashes in it. Ok, too real. I just don't know who to contact, and I want to pop two birds with one stone if I'm going downtown, at least. That's how I phrased it in my handwritten journal. "Popping two birds" because I don't want to destroy hypothetical birds, for some reason. Well. There's no guarantee that they won't pass on, after having popped them. Anyway, if you're reading this, you're witnessing my (actual) thoughts. Although, am I filtering it all?

That's the thing with having the most recent post be the first thing people see when they open this page. There's not the drawn out explanation I've had about "writing how I talk" etc. Well. Good readers are good readers. I'm not a good reader, technically, but I can figure things out. I "get the idea". Having this kind of attention span actually just comes out as a sort of "divination". You don't necessarily read what's written, you read what you're meant to read. A combination of skimming, "vibes," context, and a constant and open conversation with the personified universe itself. "Personified," being a strong word.

So yeah. If I was going to talk about drawing, like I mentioned above, I've definitely botched that.

There was definitely a bunch of stuff I was supposed to do today. I woke up early. Almost made a list. But it's suddenly almost 3. I don't have to explain it. I'm gonna put on a sweater, and a coat (then possibly regret it, depending on the weather and how fast I walk). Wait, no that's not what's next. I should stop here, and just continue my day!

privy

I'm going to Chicago next week. I'm thinking about how this visit, it's a different place. It'll be the second visit in which I won't have my dad's apartment to stay at while I'm in town. I'm thinking that I forgot what cold is... did I already mention that here? Just ordered socks and gloves. That's really it. I can physically handle the cold, but I'm starting to fixate on it. Like. Why am I making myself go up there? Because flights were cheaper? Because I wanted to set a precedent for travel in the new year? Seems, existentially, beyond my control.

mostly

I let a few days go by; initially, not because I'd lost the habit but there was one day where I just didn't write and I also didn't even think about it. Also probably ran out of time. None of that matters, though. It's interesting exclusively to me. To think about why momentum stops and starts, etc.

So, right now:

We just celebrated Nicolette's first birthday. We all had a good time. Got kind of exhausting for everyone, especially Nicolette. We got a lot of pictures.

Everyone is seemingly looking back at 2016. Began as an arbitrary trend, but I think the moment anyone entertains the idea, they kind of realize something. Maybe it's about how recent "10 years ago" is. When I was looking for 2016, my mind immediately went to "oh, I was probably in high school". No. Not at all. 2016 was when things started moving. That doesn't say much, but it was around the time we moved to Atlanta. The year Casey premiered Pink Cloud. I started to get into art shows and stuff. More of a social life. Things started happening, in a different way, for what feels like a moment. So, no, I don't think this is a "trend" that warrants any kind of ridicule. It's natural, but through the almost unnatural capability of literally viewing yourself from another time. Whatever though, it's probably not that deep. But it's cool.

Earlier this week, I "premiered" a new video that I made at the PowerPoint Party show, in front of an audience. I accompanied it with a faux Q & A portion, that I made seconds before leaving the house, if only to adhere to the PowerPoint medium that the night is founded upon. Maybe I can link the video, here:

Does that work? It probably won't work in 10 years. 2 years. I don't trust embedded media, but whatever. That sentence makes me feel insane. "I don't trust embedded media". Nerd.

It worked out because the joke became "I'm doing a Q & A for a 30 second short film". That's fine. While I was at the venue, I uploaded the video, and that's cool to me. Ages ago, I would have loved to have a recurring event at which I could "premiere" a new video to a live audience and have it subsequently premiere to the internet audience. All I could’ve asked for, at several points in my "career". It's also cool because it validates the work. It's more than a "wacky little internet video". Ehh. Times have changed.

I also hope to write a post dedicated to the vertical video format. In the same way I hope to write about VHS, I want to write about phone video. When will I get around to: writing?

I've become OK with talking openly about ideas and aspirations, I guess. It's not so much annoying that I'm talking about things that are liable to not ever happen as much as sending the intent out into the world and if nothing happens, then the thought is there. Also not as anxious about my ideas being stolen. Please, take them, at this point. I mean. Don't take them. But it's fine if you already have done that. Just don't ruin my ideas. And that's subjective.

So. With these recent events, I feel fine. Going to Chicago next week. It was cold today. I imagine it'll be much colder in Chicago. Hopefully I remain indoors. I should probably see if I have any shoes with traction. "Wool socks". Gloves. Scarf. I forget how cold the cold can be until I get cold.

ok, goodnight.

plenty

I thought I was gonna babysit today, but I ended up not.

I think I've been dragging because I took a portion of melatonin last night. I'd forgotten why I don't take it so often and now: I remember! So.

One of those days where you didn't plan anything and so now you have nothing planned.

That's fine. Still working on my current project, slowly and surely.

Well, I started writing this while charging my Apple Pencil. Now I'm just tired. Accidental lazy day. It's fine. Have to remind myself that it's fine. Yawning.

Literally just didn't have to post anything here; completely inconsequential. However, I must've wanted to say something. Oh, I remember.

At one point, when I realized I had free time, I'd begun kind of trying to organize all my boxes and stuff. One day, I'd hope to finally and definitively organize my stuff. Art supplies in one place. "Physical Media". Clothes. "Memorabilia". One day I want to have a place to put it all. I'm ok with having a storage unit, I'm just constantly stressed about what stuff is what. One day, I'll have a proper art studio. One day I'll figure out what to do with all my VHS tapes.

Alright, I'm done. I'm tired.

Disculpe

Hey. Today's my day off. I want to go outside. The weather seems nice; I thought it was going to be cloudy.

I technically drew something yesterday, but it was for a project:

I deliberately took this hasty picture of the screen because I'm not done. It's not a secret, especially because no one is reading this, but. It's not done. This is the "main" project I've been working on, for myself. I'd done a couple projects for other people at the end of the year, and I told myself I wanted to finish my own thing but treat it as seriously as those other ones. Make time for it, etc. But it's still been really slow paced. I accidentally created a situation in which I'm actually doing a lot of frame-by-frame "animation" which isn't really what I wanted to do with this piece because I'm trying to be an amateur if I've never actually made a full work of animation before and basically I want my "early works" to look like "early works". Self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess.

I'm not making much sense, maybe. I want it to look simple but I chose a project that requires what'll look like I went for something a little more ambitious than my skill will allow for. Eh. Maybe it'll make sense when I'm done.

But no. I need to go outside. I don't have anything I need to do outside, but I really ought to go. Possibly work on one of my little videos. Get some "exercise" and some Vitamin D. Alright, now I'm just saying stuff.