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i'm tired

but not like '2009 facebook status high schooler trying to get a response' tired if that communicates anything.

It's just 11 after midnight and will be soon off to slumber.

But. Existentially, I am a lil sleepy.

I came back from Chicago on Sunday and slept for 5 hours and then later went to sleep for the night for about 8 or 9 or 10 or less hours, who knows.

I wrote in a mini journal that I got from the Walgreens by my friend's house in Chicago, with a little boba tea character printed on the front cover. There's probably still some in stock, if anyone else wants 1. But yeah, I wrote exactly one entry while I was up there, as a bridge between notebooks/journals. Uh. Anyway, that's where I'd finally rationalized my situation.

I got there Tuesday, wandered around with my backpack. I explored, optimistic. Visited the Harold Washington Library. I went to my friend's house for the night. Watched that Norwegian black metal documentary. I went to sleep and woke up four hours later because I was self conscious about snoring and so I was just.. awake.

I'd actually had 3 job interviews lined up on Wednesday, somehow. I can't tell how candid I ought to be about this stuff just yet or why this story is relevant, but whatever. I was wandering around for a while, increasingly sleep deprived and having an inner debate about whether this is something I really wanna do. I needed to think about it and in doing so I basically just skipped out on all three interviews.

*I just wrote and deleted a paragraph because I was kinda rambling*

I rented a room at a hostel or something. Realized that if I stay in Chicago, it's gonna be a series of me sleeping at friends and family's houses (which was kind of the plan, anyway) and idk I'm kinda getting older and I don't want to exert all my energy on this kind of risky life choice. Like yeah it's cool to kinda switch things up and take a chance, but I've done that stuff before and I get the point. The feeling of being sleepy, wandering around with a heavy backpack kinda got to me. Plus for some reason, I lied to my friends about the hostel thing, telling them that I'd just been staying at other friends' houses. There's a million little pathological reasons I probably did that, and I don't often find myself "lying" about stuff but I think I kinda didn't want to explain anything. Like. Obviously if you're visiting a city, it's totally fine and normal to rent a room or something, so there was simply no reason to lie and I feel weird about it but what am I gonna do? Tell them "oh yeah, I was being dishonest about my lodging situation last week homie"? It's confusing and my best bet is directing them to this blog post.

I'm not proofreading this as I type, I don't know if I have the attention span and Family Guy is playing in the background. Also the previous paragraph is basically a reworking of the one I deleted.

But I don't know. I'm back. I was hoping the trip wasn't for nothing and it definitely wasn't. I just kinda wish I didn't waste much time and money just to realize I should just... stay home. but IT's OK!! I had a good time. Saw friends. Hung out with my Uncle Victor. Went to Zine Mercado. Went to the Sooper Records 10 year anniversary show after my friends roasted "A Large Amount of Corn" in the park. Watched sex, lies, and videotape for the first time. I mean. Once I got some sleep and realized that this was just a visit and not a longterm stay, I was able to enjoy myself. Still stressing out, but idc. It confirmed that I still want to be there eventually, just not now. I realized I have a whole home to return to. You know? I did more socially and fulfilling things in Chicago in one day than I would do in Atlanta in a year, but that'll still be there for a moment. Maybe. I'd just rather, like, have everything together. A home, a "job" (preferably a career), and to be able to move all my stuff in like one go. Idk. I want to kinda "demand" that for myself in that way. Whatever. I hope this makes sense. Plus, I get to spend more time with my niece which is actually one of my favorite things about right now.

I probably seem wacky. That's fine. But like. What else is going on, you know? I'm not a "the world is on fire" type of person because what do you mean? I mean except for the literal fires. Oh right, I'm tired. I'm existentially sleepy so I'm not picking up on metaphors at the moment. I could have gone to sleep at any time but yet I'm recapping my visit in fragmented insecurities and hesitant optimism.

Um. Well, if this some kinda "new chapter" or some kind of checkpoint in monotony, I hope that something really cool happens in this little epoch or whatever. Resisting the urge to also hope nothing bad happens to spite my wishful thinking, but that's just. obsessive compulsion of some kind. Hoping exclusively for good. Now I'm just typing stuff. Circling a general idea. Yawning. 1:35AM. Focus on "getting outta here," whatever that means. I'm going to go drink a cup of soft drink and then brush my teeth before bed so that I don't go to bed with soft drink on my teeth, thusly defeating the purpose of drinking soft drink and any lasting memory of the soft drink flavor...

europe '26

I just wanted to share my recently developed photos from Europe, May 2026. Here is just a portion, not to fully get into a whole post about how the trip went. Uh. Mainly just so I don't forget. Ok. So here:

I think this was in Trier

I very hastily took this photo of the Eiffel Tower while walking, which just so happened to be the exact moment a group had unveiled the Palestine flag for what was probably no longer than one minute.

This is the coolest monument i've seen tbh, it makes me understand why gold is kinda cool

pictoplasma in berlin

from a park in Paris, where mom and I drank beers while waiting for our bus

this is one of those things I repeatedly try to get the perfect picture of, but it's never just right

I passed through some kinda festivities in Malmo, Sweden

also Sweden

Voelklingen

Luxembourg

another building I like near my mom's place in Germany

 

I Forgot

I mean.

I didn't forget I could write or blog for that matter, that would be crazy.

I did just remember it last minute, though. I'm leaving for Chicago for an unspecified amount of time, tomorrow morning. I'm trying to move there, but that remains to be seen. I've been in a state of limbo, or just Georgia.

To summarize the timeline: Last year I agreed to stay in Georgia for the year so that my sister and I could help each other out by having an apartment together and thusly making preparations for a year later (right now), where I was planning to go to Chicago and she was going to try to get her own place for her and the baby or something. It's been cool. Been helping with my niece and it's been fun. In May, I went to Germany, etc, for about a month. Then when I got back, I basically didn't have a job for some reason but that's another story. So I'd been in this weird state of trying to stretch it out to assure a safe landing in Chicago but also trying not to be irresponsible with my unemployment. There were some highlights, of course. I was able to organize all of my storage and thusly sell a bunch of stuff on eBay, which was a new thing for me. It was off to a good start when I sold a VHS copy of They Live for like $80. That's most of my storage, it seems. Physical media that I'm not actively watching but I like having. If it comes down to it, I can get rid of it all, but if I can keep them, then I suppose I will keep them. Um. So yeah. I've been kind of floating but not entirely comfortably because it's still stressful to, you know, job search and plan a way out of here. I guess 2-3 months wasn't exactly enough time to transition into the next phase of things, but it wasn't a waste of time. I might just regret not getting started before I went to Germany, but oh well. Feels a weird type of dishonest to seek local and Chicago work at the same time. Honestly, I'd been flip-flopping on whether to just stay. But, as it stands, I'm going to give Chicago a shot.

I wrote a bit in my journal about a last minute daydream-- what if I actually just stay but keep the apartment to myself? It's not unreasonable but it would be kind of exhausting to just change my mind again. Could be cool. A two-bedroom apartment to myself. Plenty of studio space. But no. No. Nope. It's weirdly tempting but I have to remember I don't like it here. That would just make things worth it if I were to stay here for some reason. But I don't like it here. I mean. What's happening here? Yes, friends I see once a month if I'm lucky. Occasional interesting... things? (No examples). The nature is nice but that's anywhere. The original thing that was making me indecisive was helping my sister and spending time with my niece. I am dreading the fact that I'm not gonna be able to spend the same amount of time with her, but it'll be ok.

Anyway. It took a while to even get to this "Setup" I have in which I'm able to sit at my desk and write/blog/etc, but of course I hadn't been doing it since Winter, basically. At the start of this entry, I was thinking about "Damn, now that I remembered that I can sit and type on my computer, I'm not gonna do it anymore," or something. But. No, I don't need to add that pressure. Of course I'm reminded that it's enjoyable, and that's that. Maybe I'll do it again.

Oh, but the reason I am writing this now is to kind of have something written out before my next post, in which I intend to post some of my photos from my trip to Europe. I was trying to think of a way to share them without resizing etc. Ok. So I'll get to that.

Thanks.