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wait I just thought of something, I might come back to this thought. What if, especially something like this blog or whatever, I actually talk more about working on stuff and maybe it'll become, then, "the thing that is going on". Because like I'm just talking about "life" stuff. What if I just talk about working on stuff since that's what I wanna be doing. Ok. Whatever. Just had the thought and this window was open so I thought I'd jot it down.

gloop

 hey what's good.

the very same stuff is going on, i'm sure. I mean, generally.

I'm waiting on my mom to get here on Sunday, that'll be cool.

I am currently missing a concert I'd wanted to go to for a long time. Sold my ticket. Usually I figure out a way to make that kinda stuff work but, you know, I'm still unemployed.

I guess anyone who's just been unemployed as an adult has had this kinda episode. Like, occasionally I'll see a peer that's unemployed and wonder how, like why not just get a job, and then somehow their job is something I have nothing to do with like software engineering or something. How did some of yall end up in that kinda business.  Jobs "other people" have are always something like that. Like. What is "coding"? I know the whole thing but seriously what is it? I'm not gonna go outta my way at my age and just get into that as a job option. Yet, at the same time I'd been handed a constant slew of kitchen jobs and never at any point have I shown any interest in serving people food. They should invent a job that's something I want to be doing. I am "of an age" now. If I'm still in the kitchen at this point it's because I want to be (one might think!). This is the age where, if you're working in a kitchen, you're also planning a pop-up or some shit. This stuff really gets under my skin, I'm sorry. Ahem.. Because that's how one "levels up". You can only go from one kitchen to another kitchen... or you can start a restaurant. There's a dread that creeps unto me when I think of the fact that I'll have to decide what to say at another kitchen interview. "Yeah, I'm just interested in seeing how a different kitchen works," or some nonsense that is an attempt at being normal and enthusiastic while the truth seeps through. Bleh. I mean. That would be the only thing I remotely care about. The morbid curiosity of the inner workings of yet another kitchen.

I can dread all I want but I need to be working. I've wasted too much time. And of course it won't be so bad once I'm just there, working.

And that's the thing. The less mature parts of me are scanning for an option of a thing to blame for why I'm still unemployed or in kitchens. Blame isn't it. There's ways to get back on my feet, in one way or the other. (That's me starting to be vague, again) If "art" is the "job" then there's "jobs" for "artists". Ways to do it. Like, it's not an aspiration at this point. It's who I've been and therefore who I have to be to continue with any (this is gonna sound dramatic) dignity. Also, on that, no disrespect for cooks or whatever. I say this all the time but if I didn't have to cook, I'd probably enjoy it. I spitefully forget everything about cooking once I'm clocked out. But no, something I think about is how, like, working at a film lab or something is a "cute," convenient job for an aspiring career photographer. It's too late to have been climbing up a ladder at an art supply store or like a movie theater or something. (see, even here I'm afraid to "show my hand" and put a name on whatever art path I want to settle on as if that's not part of the problem). Eh. And yeah anyone wiser would tell you there's no shame in just working a completely unrelated field and just working on stuff on the side. But I promise you. I'm beyond that. And I’m a little bit aware of the hubris of saying that, but I can't help it. Maybe it's something to examine, if I just have the full thought: I am too good to work in another kitchen. *sigh*. I mean. Yeah. I continue to think that and, then what, I end up going even longer without a job because I'm too proud? Ok?

What sucks is that, in this situation, you're literally left only to think about that. "Gotta work". Can't ease back and think about "is everyone else alright?" -- I mean, obviously I do think about all that but I'm also thinking about "what about 2 years from now?" "Maybe I shouldn't worry" and all these things that I have to immediately deem as a distraction. I want to, you know, think about "life". Not just one superfluous part of it. The world is huge, it's crazy. Why am I stuck doing one part of it?

um.

What was I gonna say? Yeah, Idk, I keep kinda daydreaming about really getting into the whole "selling art" thing. "Commissions". That whole thing. It's literally not impossible but why is it embarrassing? Some of it is the fact that I haven't even made any recognizable "art," lately, just fragments of bigger pieces that don't do anything. Ok that's kind of a lame excuse, now that I'm thinking of it. It's not that. It's like. Could I not just keep my head down and draw pictures everyday? Am I too distracted. No, that's not it, either. I think that stuff is all probably fine, but trying to do that stuff last minute is gonna be awkward. It's gonna feel desperate. Alright I'm giving away too much. I am sure no one reads this, but that seems like too much "inside of head" thought. Idk. I'm just like trying to uncover the negativity growing up when they tell you to come up with a backup plan because a career as an artist is "unrealistic". I'm sure I've written about that before, but it makes less and less sense to me that anyone would tell you that. Like. No, I am very sure I am supposed to be doing this. Nothing else makes sense. It only becomes "unrealistic" because you literally just told us to do something else. So now I've wasted my time doing "something else". Are you stupid? (I can't put a face to the amalgamated "adult" who tells this to kids).

Whatever. I didn't think I was gonna rant, but I guess I had to. Did I make a point?

mr noodle

I'm doing that thing again ! I'm not sure if "again" is appropriate but still. Something.

I want to talk about "feeling bad" but anyone reading this has gotta b cool about it, you know? At worst when I "feel bad" I just don't do anything. Whatever I feel now isn't the worst. I'm still active, able to talk to people if there's anybody there, you know, I can play with my niece and that's always good. In fact, why did I just forego playing with my niece just to hide in my room and type on the computer? Ok, the word I'm looking for is lethargic. Not bad, not much of anything. I knew "bad" was too strong to begin with. I'm lethargic! You can say that and smile! But I won't!

So that's where I'm at. As in, literally don't talk to me about that, that's not the point. I would describe it as, the best feeling I could feel right now is ignoring stuff and putting off doing stuff. Yet, "laying down" would feel uncomfortable.

But there's direct cause and effect.

This whole summer, you know, being unemployed but also in a purgatory of Will I / Won't I move to Chicago, I spent most of the time indoors. I spent a lot of time babysitting, which meant I had to plan out how to go outside. I could take her outside in the stroller, but it would have to be after her nap. Sometimes after her nap it would be raining or 90 degrees. If not that, I mean, I just wouldn't feel like it. So, I wasn't active, and that has a lot to do with becoming lethargic later on. And of course I'm also self conscious about the possibility that I'm a lil chubbier again. It may or may not be true and it ultimately may not matter but the feeling I get when I look at current pictures of myself is crazy, it's like startling and embarrassing. I literally don't want to have a dialogue with anyone about weight/fat/etc, no one ever really gets it right. I also don't feel very "allowed" to talk about it, if that makes sense. Oh right, just remembered therapy again but even they kinda don't respond the right way. It's still gonna be a minute before I return to therapy, I think the trend has kinda come and gone, if I can be somewhat nuanced about it. One would think that I would get back into that after losing my father but like nah. I forgot my logic if why it'd be too soon. I mean maybe that's it. Too soon. Maybe that's kinda the whole thing. It's one thing, it's many interconnected things. Inclined to summarize it as: "even if I succeed (in something), I have increasingly less people to show it to" or something. Is that kool?

I think I get more embarrassed about not crying. There's too much weight to the act of it, and the fact that I don't do it probably just signifies how much I overthink. I can cry watching movies, especially in the theater. That's gratifying. But DAMN! I'm a robot, otherwise. I've built this weird personality of myself and I actually can't tell you if it's a "man" thing because my gut tells me it's not but still "you" think it is. I'm just someone *watching* the world, most of the time. And yet, I gotta participate. I gotta be the conduit for this art I feel. I'm obligated to have an opinion. I gotta consume something. I can do one or the other: watch or participate, sure, but don't set me up for one and make me take on the tasks of another. Alright, now I'm just saying stuff. What's the literary device, Man vs. Author or something?

Maybe it's not a "man" thing and I should make it a "man" thing. Does anyone else talk about this? Does anyone else notice stuff? I can't be the only one that notices stuff because it's not fair to notice stuff but still have a room in semi-flux of unpacked and to be 35 and freaking scared.

Oh, um.

Meant to talk about how despite the lethargy, I convinced myself to go downtown to look at Dragon Con. I was literally hyped about getting the day pass earlier this morning and the moment I tried to buy it, it was sold out. Just as well, I guess. I figured the least I could do was go down there to take pictures with my disposable camera and just look at stuff. It's crazy. Reminded of my age. Like. The one time I actually "went" was probably 10 years ago, and I was with friends, and we snuck in. I'm reminded that there's no part of that I could really replicate. Uh. Yeah. So. I went down there just to do something, despite my mood telling me to stay home.

Anyway. I don't know if it's Georgia that makes me feel so empty or like the lack of a social group or "loss" or everybody feels this way in 2026, but I was certainly enjoying myself that one day in Chicago when we ate A Large Amount of Corn in the park and stuff. I was feeling ok in Berlin, you know? I was still shy and felt like an outsider but still had a good time. I mean, today actually kinda reminded me a lot of that except today was a little more "What's the point?". So, Idk, maybe I've accidentally/intentionally made myself "lonely," which is also a buzzword I probably ought not declare unto myself. I've devalued the free will of saying "Hey do you want to hang out". No, I mean I specifically avoided it because I lost trust in folks and decided to only hang out if someone else asked.

But actually, this is all probably a good thing. Once I'm no longer unemployed, I won't feel inactive, for one. The fact that I get myself up and out, that's perfectly fine. The fact that I still have my habits, in a way, the fact that I can still experiment with asking people to hang out or something... the thing I mean there is something that can't be described, I think. But you know. I think at this time, I'm rebuilding, to at least feel fine. And yeah, I hate that I have to keep running into little patches of time where I feel less than "fine" but whatever at least I get to feel fine. I was feeling fine for a year or so, and now I'm just zombified. Eh. Just need to go outside and drink water, so to speak.

Whatever.

Maybe drawing little crazy pictures helps. That's my whole thing, hmph.

Anyway, don't hit me up about this stuff, you know? It exists in the internet and that's enough.

Good  Night !