I want to talk about "feeling bad" but anyone reading this has gotta b cool about it, you know? At worst when I "feel bad" I just don't do anything. Whatever I feel now isn't the worst. I'm still active, able to talk to people if there's anybody there, you know, I can play with my niece and that's always good. In fact, why did I just forego playing with my niece just to hide in my room and type on the computer? Ok, the word I'm looking for is lethargic. Not bad, not much of anything. I knew "bad" was too strong to begin with. I'm lethargic! You can say that and smile! But I won't!
So that's where I'm at. As in, literally don't talk to me about that, that's not the point. I would describe it as, the best feeling I could feel right now is ignoring stuff and putting off doing stuff. Yet, "laying down" would feel uncomfortable.
But there's direct cause and effect.
This whole summer, you know, being unemployed but also in a purgatory of Will I / Won't I move to Chicago, I spent most of the time indoors. I spent a lot of time babysitting, which meant I had to plan out how to go outside. I could take her outside in the stroller, but it would have to be after her nap. Sometimes after her nap it would be raining or 90 degrees. If not that, I mean, I just wouldn't feel like it. So, I wasn't active, and that has a lot to do with becoming lethargic later on. And of course I'm also self conscious about the possibility that I'm a lil chubbier again. It may or may not be true and it ultimately may not matter but the feeling I get when I look at current pictures of myself is crazy, it's like startling and embarrassing. I literally don't want to have a dialogue with anyone about weight/fat/etc, no one ever really gets it right. I also don't feel very "allowed" to talk about it, if that makes sense. Oh right, just remembered therapy again but even they kinda don't respond the right way. It's still gonna be a minute before I return to therapy, I think the trend has kinda come and gone, if I can be somewhat nuanced about it. One would think that I would get back into that after losing my father but like nah. I forgot my logic if why it'd be too soon. I mean maybe that's it. Too soon. Maybe that's kinda the whole thing. It's one thing, it's many interconnected things. Inclined to summarize it as: "even if I succeed (in something), I have increasingly less people to show it to" or something. Is that kool?
I think I get more embarrassed about not crying. There's too much weight to the act of it, and the fact that I don't do it probably just signifies how much I overthink. I can cry watching movies, especially in the theater. That's gratifying. But DAMN! I'm a robot, otherwise. I've built this weird personality of myself and I actually can't tell you if it's a "man" thing because my gut tells me it's not but still "you" think it is. I'm just someone *watching* the world, most of the time. And yet, I gotta participate. I gotta be the conduit for this art I feel. I'm obligated to have an opinion. I gotta consume something. I can do one or the other: watch or participate, sure, but don't set me up for one and make me take on the tasks of another. Alright, now I'm just saying stuff. What's the literary device, Man vs. Author or something?
Maybe it's not a "man" thing and I should make it a "man" thing. Does anyone else talk about this? Does anyone else notice stuff? I can't be the only one that notices stuff because it's not fair to notice stuff but still have a room in semi-flux of unpacked and to be 35 and freaking scared.
Oh, um.
Meant to talk about how despite the lethargy, I convinced myself to go downtown to look at Dragon Con. I was literally hyped about getting the day pass earlier this morning and the moment I tried to buy it, it was sold out. Just as well, I guess. I figured the least I could do was go down there to take pictures with my disposable camera and just look at stuff. It's crazy. Reminded of my age. Like. The one time I actually "went" was probably 10 years ago, and I was with friends, and we snuck in. I'm reminded that there's no part of that I could really replicate. Uh. Yeah. So. I went down there just to do something, despite my mood telling me to stay home.
Anyway. I don't know if it's Georgia that makes me feel so empty or like the lack of a social group or "loss" or everybody feels this way in 2026, but I was certainly enjoying myself that one day in Chicago when we ate A Large Amount of Corn in the park and stuff. I was feeling ok in Berlin, you know? I was still shy and felt like an outsider but still had a good time. I mean, today actually kinda reminded me a lot of that except today was a little more "What's the point?". So, Idk, maybe I've accidentally/intentionally made myself "lonely," which is also a buzzword I probably ought not declare unto myself. I've devalued the free will of saying "Hey do you want to hang out". No, I mean I specifically avoided it because I lost trust in folks and decided to only hang out if someone else asked.
But actually, this is all probably a good thing. Once I'm no longer unemployed, I won't feel inactive, for one. The fact that I get myself up and out, that's perfectly fine. The fact that I still have my habits, in a way, the fact that I can still experiment with asking people to hang out or something... the thing I mean there is something that can't be described, I think. But you know. I think at this time, I'm rebuilding, to at least feel fine. And yeah, I hate that I have to keep running into little patches of time where I feel less than "fine" but whatever at least I get to feel fine. I was feeling fine for a year or so, and now I'm just zombified. Eh. Just need to go outside and drink water, so to speak.
Whatever.
Maybe drawing little crazy pictures helps. That's my whole thing, hmph.
Anyway, don't hit me up about this stuff, you know? It exists in the internet and that's enough.
Good Night !
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