"I haven't been funny in a while. "

As in:

If I'm funny, then I might become "liked"

And if I'm "liked," then someone might talk to me

And if someone talks to me

I might talk to them

We might have to become friends 

If we become friends

I might be funny

But never as funny as the first time 

Tableau

The current year is 2023. As far as I know.

After I finally shared this "blog," I was kind of overwhelmed with a combination of panic and embarrassment or something- not because I feel bad about anything I wrote but because it's kind of a natural reaction to "putting myself out there" I guess.  Wow! I recommend it.

New Years was tight. Things feel fine.

So. I came here because I wanted to share this digital drawing I did:

It's a "remake" of this marker drawing I did over the summer:

I feel like I'm a few months too removed from when I actually drew this originally, but it was definitely during a period of time when I was hyped on this set of markers. I probably just wanted to challenge myself to do a full-on, composed and populated drawing. I usually end up drawing a character and no world around it. I'd started drawing the triangle guy in like 2020-21. Still trying to find where it belongs. The cube is a "character" I'd painted with watercolor when I was in Chicago. I wanted to keep using that. I like that it's a combination of simple geometry, with a simple face, surrounded in these venomous, awful thorny vines. I don't know if I want to admit that I know very little about what I intend to do with these characters or this world, but I think I'm getting closer to something. I mean, that's something I'm learning to accept. Younger me would've romanticized the idea of being transmitted these images of a fantasy world from a divine source, but I think the reality is that it's a puzzle comprised of smaller "ideas". Sometimes it feels like magical inspiration, but as I get older it just feels like an exercise. It's a whole lot of "what if" and then you actually have to make your hand do the rest.

The marker drawing is very apparently an improvised piece. I rarely sketch things before I draw them and I think that makes things all warbly or something. (If 'warbly' isn't a word, then why do I know what it means?) Just got a craving for someone's pasta leftovers. But yeah maybe I ought to sketch things, but that also isn't the point, for me. Ultimately, it's easier to sketch things when working on a tablet. It doesn't feel wasteful. It's faster.

I think when I made the digital version, I was just looking for something to revisit. I just wanted something to re-do. So I found this one.

It's weird to contextualize this kind of thing. It's a stand-alone art piece. There may be a larger story. For most, it won't be viewed in the same realm as a "painting" in which a few figures or composed against a backdrop, with many things occurring. I'm avoiding saying "renaissance painting" because that's far too general for what I'm trying to describe. It's also not quite anything else I've seen in comics or digital art. It's just a piece for practice, I guess. It's just there. It's a portrait. A tableau. Whether the story is of the triangle on a quest into the mountains or not, it's a photograph of all of this stuff going on. He's posing. There's props. A setting. Damn it. Talking about it isn't useful. It exists as a necessity. I ought to limit my descriptions to the medium and the timeframe in which I made it. Because everything else ought not be talked about.

I'm watching Johnny Carson.

Happy New Year.

Oh

I think I finally want to share the fact that I've been writing here. It's mainly been for me, but I recently have a better idea of what I could be doing. Again, I don't care if I'm consistent, I'm just kind of in this period of time where I'm following through with things- at least when it comes to writing.

I just read through all of these, and I realize I probably seem, basically, boring or corny.. but honestly a lot of this is kind of funny to me. Like, especially in the last 3, why am I just analyzing my own work? That's kind of funny. But it's not a bad idea.

It just seems like, the way things are now, I'll post a picture of 1/8th of what I intend to show people and provide a caption that says "Worms!" or something unrelated. I mean that's kinda awesome too, and I should not stop, but honestly I think I keep stuff brief because there's so much shit going on and very little time in which to talk about it. I don't think an early-2000s style blog is going to make a difference, but it's closer to my idea of how things can go.

More specifically, I just kind of had this revelation of being open; I kinda want to attempt to be specific and literal. I don't enjoy being literal as much as I like word play and metaphor and all the good, fun stuff, but for now I don't want there to be any confusion. I don't like that folks can think they know what I'm intending, especially on a personal basis. Kinda gets under my skin when people get my intentions drastically wrong. It's wild! It happens very often! I don't understand how I am consistently misinterpreted! But I guess that's anybody.

Also maybe I don't talk to anyone. There's not like "one" person that I talk to, and I don't know if that's a common thing that people have. I also don't talk about what's going on in my life, in social situations. That's also tricky. Do you keep it light? What about one-on-one hangouts? Depends on the person. I also haven't had a one-on-one in about a month. Then, before that, it was probably another month. Oh, plus I tend to forget that people get into romantic relationships and that might just do it for folks. What the hell am I talking about, now? I don't know how else to say it, but I think I've pretty consistently been my own best friend. I journal or whatever. That's who I talk to.

Dang, ok, I was hoping this would be lighter or funnier or something.

But I guess this is my second one of these, today. That's plenty. I'm tired.

Holiday pt. 2

Before I start, I'm just going to talk about what I was just thinking. I was about to leave the house, following a slurry of feelings in the form of what people call "fomo". In these times, it's a good life lesson to not try to return to the place where 'everyone' was, last night. They're not as likely to return. Some of them may have drank too much. It's all a fleeting thing. You've been in these places before, you'll be there again. The truth is that I probably just want to go outside. Maybe I want to socialize because that hasn't been as much of an option this year. Anyway, it's good that I'm here. I've got stuff to do.

I wanted to follow up on the previous post about my Holiday Special video. I think I mostly gave an explanation of "Why" and not so much "How" etc like I was originally intending. Plus, by the time I wrote that one I was kind of distracted by TV and getting tired. I also didn't even talk about there was an entirely separate "animated" portion to the project.

First of all, I guess I haven't discussed much of why I use the "vhs" style. That could be its own entry, but to be brief, the reason I continue to use it is just because it's what's available to me. I could also easily use my phone, as I have in the past, but I guess using a camcorder just adds a sense of ambiguity. It also kind of gives me license to let the video have certain faults that would be harder to get away with if the video was more "clean". 

Again, I just typed out a bunch of stuff and realized that I really ought to reserve an entry for the specifics of how I work with my camera. Plus it would've been boring in this context.

Anyway, I think I was just kind of in-and-out of confidence while I was making this. One day, I wrote down all the ideas I had for it, and immediately after that I was like "nevermind". Then, in the next couple of days, I was laying down and thought about it again and got up and immediately started making it. I think that shows itself in the video. I was on the fence with "what the hell am I talking about?" I think the only thing that I said that I was able to improvise, that I still find funny, was the thing about writing to Santa with a sheet of college-ruled notebook paper. Other than that, I kind of cut out more of this subplot of me being in a bad mood. Pessimistic. Right before the best take of that joke was more stuff about how this year sucked. So, really a lot of this is just me trying to strike a very intentional balance of "I'm being 100% serious" and "I don't want to alienate people" all while hosting a holiday special. Plus it's just a funny character trait, to see someone who is supposed to be publicly jubilant have something darker seeping out of the cracks or whatever.

I still feel like I'm talking about "Why". So I'm probably going to stop there.

I am surprised at the response. Any response is probably a good one, at this point, but I liked that people quoted some of the stuff from the video. That's tight. This was the only video I've made in a long time where I was genuinely worried about whether anyone would "like" it. Like I said, this video is a ritual. That's why I make things like this. I'm hoping to evoke a spirit. That can mean I'm just trying to motivate myself to keep going. My own spirit. It can mean that I'm trying to inspire even a chuckle from anyone who sees it. It can mean I'm literally praying to Santa Claus. That's what I mean by evoking spirits. Don't misunderstand me.

Oh yeah. I think my original idea for the "animated" sequence would've made the whole thing more linear. Maybe too linear. Too much. It was going to begin with a sequence of me, live action, drifting off into thought talking about spending Christmas alone, or something. It would've somewhat been an unavoidable reference to Squidward's "Alone" sequence. Then, as I drift through this vague realm of thought, I would meet this Gift character. I would tell him how and why I'd been "alone". How I've missed my "friends and frequent collaborators". (The joke being the insistent use of the entire phrase "friends and frequent collaborators".) Then, the gift would assure me that there's nothing to worry about. He'd remind me that if my "friends and frequent collaborators" don't want to spend time with "me" then they're probably not particularly good "friends and collaborators" or something like "maybe they've got other stuff going on" or whatever. Something grounded. Something general. Finally, he'd just kind of assure me that there's more "friends etc" out there that will be there for me, and he sends me back, where I'd snap out of it and continue hosting the show.

It's a little bit too heady, and probably vaguely personal. It's not the worst idea, but I ultimately decided it would be better if it's had a snappier delivery and resolved itself fairly quickly.

Also, this is very much intended "limited" animation. I like the idea that I'm not shooting for the moon with it, or whatever. I just wanted to get this little exchange across. Plus it's a "thought" realm so no one's really "speaking" or doing anything that isn't just floating. It's a static, dream-like state. I'm glad it got me attempting to animate in any capacity. It can be done. I want to make more, and I should make more.

In both portions of this project, I just used this microphone that I got to be plugged into my phone. I know audio is a big thing for people, but I tend to want to stay away from the aural arts as much as I can. I could've dramatized things in a more effective way. I mean I could've been a better actor/voice actor but my "acting" is intended exclusively to serve my purposes.

I think that's all. Just ask me about stuff if you've made it this far and want to know anything. Ask me anything. Don't guess. I'm still flesh and bone!

Damn, I'm the corniest kind of adult.

Holiday Special

(Note: this post is somewhat disorganized, but I hope it makes sense.)

I made another "holiday special".

This is the third in a series of videos I put out this year in which I'm hosting, again, a "holiday special".

The first one, I made on the night of New Years Eve last year. The week before I made it, I tested positive for Covid, so I was sick for the whole week following Christmas Eve. Outside of being sick, I was actually enjoying this period of time because I still had access to the studio where we were filming the Cool Winners Show. I'd been going there to paint and work on things, in general. I was feeling somewhat better on New Years Eve, and I was debating on going to a party that a lot of my friends were going to. Ultimately I decided not to. It was a combination of not wanting to go somewhere while I still sort of felt shitty and I think I also just wanted to be by myself. I sat in the studio for a while, I think I was finishing a painting I was kind of excited about. As I was working on it, I kind of had the beginnings of the idea to make a "New Years Eve Special". Originally the concept was "What if they gave ____ a holiday special", like someone who just absolutely shouldn't be in charge of hosting or bringing in the New Year. Like, how shitty would that be?

Once I was done painting, around 5 or 6, I decided to just go for it. I got up and started gathering stuff. It was like a snowball, this idea that was just a "what if" just started gathering elements and gaining momentum. I started pacing around the studio, thinking of props and materials. I set up the vhs-c camcorder on a table, decorated a fake "set" with items, looked for a costume, and started thinking of things to say. 

I'll save the rest of that explanation for a later time, regarding the first video. The important thing was that this video gave me a set of rules and it set a standard for a specific "type" of video. I came up with the idea, filmed it, edited it, and finished at around 3 in the morning.

The next month, I made a Valentine's Day video, in the same style. All in one "sitting", filmed on the day of the actual holiday, and released at some point the next day. I began one for St. Patrick's Day, the next month, but this was around when we had to start moving out of the studio.

In the time between then and now, I had one hell of a rough year. I'd been wanting to build upon this idea and do more, but had no place to do it. I didn't have a "space" to work on stuff, nor the privacy. Also, these videos were actually just me practicing an idea for a bigger, similar project. It took a while to even "feel" like making something, but I'd been pushing myself to get back into drawing and writing and stuff and at some point in the past couple of weeks, I thought I'd make another one.

There's a few differences in the format, but it ultimately fits within the same project. I didn't bother putting any kind of "green screen" behind me. I don't think that would've added much. This one isn't particularly any "one" holiday, but it's mostly a Christmas thing. The decision behind that wasn't necessarily to not exclude all of the other holidays, but to keep a sense of ambiguity about the video. Even with the New Year's video, a lot of "the point" was for it to apply to any year's New Year's Eve. Especially since it's filmed with an older camcorder; I didn't want it to lean too heavily on a thing of "when does this take place?". There's a part of me that almost imagines these videos taking place in a future where the "me" in the video is the only person left on Earth, and he is just entertaining himself by making these extravagant, shitty, little shows. Finally, the thing that is notably different about this one is that it took me about a week to make instead of the course of one night.

I think the fact that this one took longer is partially because I didn't want to mess up my sleep schedule by working on this until morning, which is definitely a healthy decision. There's other reasons, but not really worth describing. I'm glad that I took time because I became OK with having it be a shorter video, too. The original idea that I kind of scribbled onto a piece of paper would've been more work than it would've needed to be. Actually, yeah I think I decided to do this one because I probably just drank some coffee and had a sheet of paper readily available. It's the first time I even "story-boarded" one of these.

One thing that I realized while making this was that these videos are not "comedy" videos. Especially not this one. The Original, NYE video, I wanted to treat as though it were a "short film". I think that's a realistic enough goal to have. I don't think people think of this kind of thing as a short film, but as far as I'm concerned, it has all of the elements. I'll probably save that argument for another time. The point I'm making about the recent one is that it's really just kinda sad and none of what I'm saying is a "joke". I've been watching it repeatedly as I edit it, so if there ever was any humor, it's gone for me for a while.

I don't know if this video will come across as funny to anyone. I almost can't imagine anyone seeing the "character" in this video portraying anything other than, just, depression. My on-camera persona just kind of stares blankly into the camera. I just think it's funny that the person hosting the show is creatively bankrupt and isn't actually saying anything. In real life, I only had 5 minutes per "take" to improvise stuff, so I have to make the most of what I've filmed and it's not gonna be the "best" stuff I could've said with that time. Most of this video is just me listing stuff.

There was a portion of the video that I ultimately decided not to do anything with. I might use it later, but I think I made my point. I was going to do a whole thing where I'm talking to Santa Claus.

After all the dumb stuff that's going on, I just figured it would be nice to talk to Santa. Plus it's just kind of funny to feature the Santa Claus giving me his actual approval. This video is basically a ritual for me. Most of my projects are. I'm manifesting hope and peace of mind here.

Personally, this is the first year in a long time that I don't see a lot people making a whole show out of "Fuck this year!" as if they didn't feel the same way the year before. I usually have a good time, but this is the first noticeably bad year I've had in a while. Most of it was just bad. But I really enjoyed how I portrayed that in this video. I'm able to make light of it, finally. It's finally funny to me, and I'm prepared to be open about it. It's all silly. I'm the type of person that genuinely believes in a "New" year. I don't have the patience for the cynical "the new year is just another day" type shit. I sincerely want to throw the "badness" of this year into a literal, physical trash can. And I think this video is what that represents, for me.

I may need to do a Part 2 to this post, though. I had a lot of "save this for later" thoughts. I don't think I got into enough detail. Plus there's another half to the video I didn't even explain. But I'm tired as a mf.

PART TWO: https://remitora.blogspot.com/2022/12/holiday-pt-2.html

Ah, part 2.

It is now just under a month since the last thing I put here. I had a recent idea of how I might be able to utilize this blog, but before I do that I wanted to actually insert the drawings that I was describing last time.

This one appears to be some kind of duck fellow. Profoundly simple, I think I'd started with the base body shape, then he became more clearly duck-like. As I describe this one, I almost regret not coming up with the choice to provide commentary a lot sooner because now I feel like I'm rushing right past it and I almost specifically remember a feeling of importance about it when I first made it. It was a combination of emphasizing how important each piece of art actually is, especially when it comes to pieces so simple that it may become easier to just scroll past it. I hope I'm phrasing this correctly, I'm partially rushing myself. Anyway, I do invite anyone to talk to me about any individual one of my drawings. Just the fact that so many thoughts pass through the brain in the amount of time that it takes to make any work of art, I think, makes every single one worthy of significance.  That's how it is. I don't know what else people expect from art; I imagine they have this unrealistic expectation of walking past a framed portrait in someone's hallway and the feeling they get from the picture makes them suddenly gain superhuman abilities or physically rejuvenates their bodies or something.  For me, I see a piece of art, and it typically just makes me want to make more. Either in homage or in protest. Shit, I see a discarded box of cookies or something on the sidewalk and it makes me want to make art.. I mean that could've gone in a different direction, but, what I'm really trying to solidify in response to this piece is that something like this can easily be lost in the muddle of other drawings/paintings like it, but when I see these, I like to be reminded that this was something I made after a long while of not having made something like this in a long time. It's also a dumb, goofy, cute duck or some kinda bird wearing some kind of straw hat. The straw hat is actually fucking hilarious to me. Especially now, I'm picturing a real duck wearing a little straw hat. That's remarkably funny. DAMN that's funny. But also even the stupid little minimal implied grass that he's standing on makes me kinda happy. I love that kind of thing. That's exciting to me. Plus the fact that this painting is.. finished... is just, cool. 

This one is definitely different. It's definitely the "middle". So, I have less to say about it, I think. I think this began as a practice of painting shapes. Or painting, in general. I most likely started with the yellow head shape. If this were to be "judged" or analyzed by some kind of technical standard, like in the greater world of fine art or more specifically cartoon or animation principles or something, the body of this guy would probably be critically torn to shreds. But there's something so intensely stupid about his legs that I really enjoy. Plus the physical asymmetry of his thighs would drive some people crazy. Good. Also, his face is pretty perfect. I'm not congratulating myself (which shouldn't be discouraged), but giving something like this distance and then coming back to it is kind of exciting. Why did I draw that face? What is he supposed to be? I don't know if this will be one of those ones that I generally forget about but then someone comes around and reminds me of it, months later. "I like this guy, he should be a character in something" and then nothing happens. If I'm being general about it, I think he does kind of look like some kind of 80s fantasy character. Like an inept minion or a greasy but helpful creature with consistent bad luck. Dang, now I kind of want to do something else with this guy!

So, this one, I'm not sure how much of it you can read.. There's even some pieces like this that I've done that I don't even want people to be able to read. Even now, I'm kind of hitting a wall where I'm questioning how much I'm "giving away" by describing my own work. I know, it's cool to be mysterious about things some times but as I get older, the less patience I have for being completely misunderstood. I used to love confusing people. Saying things in code. Or saying things to make people think there's a code. That's fun. Innocent fun. I wonder if there's a psychology behind the choice to be vague; I'm sure some people think it's a manipulation tactic to make people spend time "wondering about you". I promise that was never my intention. I think I just kind of idolized that as a characteristic. You know, in a Prince/Bob Dylan/MF Doom type of way. But also in a "umm.. random purple penguin giraffe taco" humor type of way. But real life happens. And I can't just sit there telling people "There's trees that need my attention" or something when I mean "I need to use the bathroom" which oddly does kind of make sense as I type this out, but still. I could've just used the real life example of when I was so uncomfortable that I described the details of that episode of Spongebob instead of asking for a cup of water.

Oh, but anyway, this actual piece. See, now I'm just in a "writing" mood. I can't tell if this picture needs to be magnified or what, but it was just me kind of trying to write something in a text format similar to poetry but not quite. I was trying to channel the style that I used when I was making my book JARBIS. And even then, I was channeling some writings I used to do periodically, from.. I'm not sure when, but probably around 2013 and earlier. This, is also a style I return to sometimes when I just want the most "pure" and personal stuff to just come out. This is one that I would describe as being strictly "for me". It seems contradictory, but it's really not. I'm sure someone else out there has described this kind of paradoxical logic, but I'm not sure how much I want to get into it, in lieu of continuing the describe this specific picture. This one was self-referential. I think in it, I was attempting to describe it in a way that I actually just described this and others like it. Justifying it to myself. Making a statement that it's not tacky to talk about the work from the inside of the work. Almost citing the fact that other mediums tend to do this and get away with it more than traditional, visual art could. Then again, there are those much older painters that would occasionally sneak themselves painting into a painting. Actually, yeah, that's way more tactful than what I'm doing. Equal quality and merit, too, but that's a different conversation. Still, I think some of this intention was to kind of express some of the annoyance I'd dealt with, this year. 

"The more people know me, the less people know me" means a few things. I mean, what would you think it meant? In one way, it's referring to the fact that people who have known me for a while seem to not know me as well as they think they might. Kind of basic. Then, it also might refer to how, as the number of people that "know" me grows, the less plausible it is for each person to spend an efficient amount of time around me to actually "get to know" me. Finally, similarly to the first one, it kind of seems like people who have known you for a very long time- including family- might kind of stop making an attempt to "know" you because.. they already "know" you. Like, it seems like family who might've watched you grow up, just kind of cap off their idea about you at a certain age. It's fair enough because, in one sense, you're you and always will, straight up, be you. On the other hand it's like when someone keeps sending you guitar gifts because you said you liked music once when you were in middle school. (That's based off of two people I know, but I think about it a lot). 

Anyway, I like doing this style, too. I like letting myself do something that's also partially abstract. It's also why I appreciate art that might appear disorganized or unintentional. You get something out of it, no matter what.

I probably repeated myself, here, and I will probably continue to do so. I didn't think I was going to write this much, but I did want to give each of these the same amount of attention because it bothers me when I let my own work slip through the cracks, or whatever, and they never get their "day" or whatever. I say that, knowing that I only did all this so I can move onto the next project, but that's fine. Thanks.

Ah

In the past couple of months, I've been having this thought cycling in my head. This declaration of "I am done with art". I'd been fantasizing of announcing my retirement from art. But in doing that, it didn't mean that I would stop it. It wouldn't have meant I would no longer paint, draw, and write or whatever. I think there was just a part of me that wanted to just tell. to announce, that I was done. So, maybe it was some kind of feeling that I wanted a response. Maybe a large collective of people saying "what?! No, don't". At the same time, I don't feel like that's what I was going for. I think I'd been dissatisfied. It's one thing that I hadn't had access to many supplies, but I think that in this time of not creating, I began to dread the feeling of being "rusty" once I'd returned to it. I think I have been dreading getting back into art and feeling like it wasn't what I wanted it. I didn't want to just put pen on paper just to create another "wacky guy". Like, "Yup, I can still draw eyes noes and a mouth". In the end, I think the word I was looking for was "hiatus". I think that'd what folks call it. It's like I wasn't already in the middle of a hiatus. For context, I didn't have very many art supplies in Chicago. Plus, things really haven't been the same since I no longer have access to an art studio. A studio kind of became the standard for me. That's a different conversation, though.

I think one aspect is that I feel like I have a craving to sit down and work on something that takes a longer amount of time to create. I also found myself really wanting to get into things like painting portraits and landscapes. Realism, I guess. There was a period of time in high school, where I knew how to paint real things. But in my adult "art career" I applied any of those techniques I learned into my "wacky guys". Then I used them less and less. I think as I painted more and more, the less I actually utilized these actual things. That's fine too, though.

Today, I did a few paintings on paper. I wanted to call back to a time where I would do more immediate "Paintings for me" style pieces. Simple, disorganized, contemplative paintings. I did two figures, then on the third, I tried to focus on line and words. That's something I hadn't done in a while. It's a style I'd always been trying to "Make happen". I used this style a lot in my book, JARBIS. Words. Painted words. Genuine thoughts. I think as I was doing this one today, though, I became somewhat self conscious about the fact that I don't think these pieces translate very well. I want to assure anyone who sees my art that any one of my paintings is analogous to each of the others. I also don't really know where that internal dialogue comes from though. My thought is that yes, a very quick erratic self-referential painting on printer paper is equally good as a detailed portrait painted over the course of months. Although, I guess I have never spent months on a portrait. I guess that's the thing, though.

Recently, I'd decided to go back to school. I figure nothing else is going on, and it seems like the "responsible" thing to be doing. It's half a "why not?" thing and half a "oh wait, I have been wanting to do this" thing. Growing up, I was angrily opposed to continuing education. Not sure what it was based on. I think I just wanted things "now" and thought school was a waste of time. At the same time, I knew that if I went, it would be for animation. I mean, the period of time when I did go to community college, I went for English but whatever. But now, I think it just all seems to make sense. I think I'm ready to take my time. I want to re-learn those fundamentals I learned in high school. I think I want to relearn painting. I want access to supplies and animation stuff. I also think I just want deadlines. I've been too free (in a way) and I kind of trip over myself.

So, I think, in conclusion.. I don't want to "stop" doing art, I want to stop "how" I've been doing it. Well, not entirely, but I want to take time with it. I think realistically, once I ideally begin taking my time with pieces, I think it would be helpful if I did smaller pieces while I did bigger ones. I still want to use very many mediums and I still have too many ideas but I think I can finally accept that I don't need to do it all at once because I end up wearing myself out and doing nothing. I mean, yall know how it is. Ideas are just thoughts until you actually do something with them. Alright, I think I'm just gonna end there.