Ah

In the past couple of months, I've been having this thought cycling in my head. This declaration of "I am done with art". I'd been fantasizing of announcing my retirement from art. But in doing that, it didn't mean that I would stop it. It wouldn't have meant I would no longer paint, draw, and write or whatever. I think there was just a part of me that wanted to just tell. to announce, that I was done. So, maybe it was some kind of feeling that I wanted a response. Maybe a large collective of people saying "what?! No, don't". At the same time, I don't feel like that's what I was going for. I think I'd been dissatisfied. It's one thing that I hadn't had access to many supplies, but I think that in this time of not creating, I began to dread the feeling of being "rusty" once I'd returned to it. I think I have been dreading getting back into art and feeling like it wasn't what I wanted it. I didn't want to just put pen on paper just to create another "wacky guy". Like, "Yup, I can still draw eyes noes and a mouth". In the end, I think the word I was looking for was "hiatus". I think that'd what folks call it. It's like I wasn't already in the middle of a hiatus. For context, I didn't have very many art supplies in Chicago. Plus, things really haven't been the same since I no longer have access to an art studio. A studio kind of became the standard for me. That's a different conversation, though.

I think one aspect is that I feel like I have a craving to sit down and work on something that takes a longer amount of time to create. I also found myself really wanting to get into things like painting portraits and landscapes. Realism, I guess. There was a period of time in high school, where I knew how to paint real things. But in my adult "art career" I applied any of those techniques I learned into my "wacky guys". Then I used them less and less. I think as I painted more and more, the less I actually utilized these actual things. That's fine too, though.

Today, I did a few paintings on paper. I wanted to call back to a time where I would do more immediate "Paintings for me" style pieces. Simple, disorganized, contemplative paintings. I did two figures, then on the third, I tried to focus on line and words. That's something I hadn't done in a while. It's a style I'd always been trying to "Make happen". I used this style a lot in my book, JARBIS. Words. Painted words. Genuine thoughts. I think as I was doing this one today, though, I became somewhat self conscious about the fact that I don't think these pieces translate very well. I want to assure anyone who sees my art that any one of my paintings is analogous to each of the others. I also don't really know where that internal dialogue comes from though. My thought is that yes, a very quick erratic self-referential painting on printer paper is equally good as a detailed portrait painted over the course of months. Although, I guess I have never spent months on a portrait. I guess that's the thing, though.

Recently, I'd decided to go back to school. I figure nothing else is going on, and it seems like the "responsible" thing to be doing. It's half a "why not?" thing and half a "oh wait, I have been wanting to do this" thing. Growing up, I was angrily opposed to continuing education. Not sure what it was based on. I think I just wanted things "now" and thought school was a waste of time. At the same time, I knew that if I went, it would be for animation. I mean, the period of time when I did go to community college, I went for English but whatever. But now, I think it just all seems to make sense. I think I'm ready to take my time. I want to re-learn those fundamentals I learned in high school. I think I want to relearn painting. I want access to supplies and animation stuff. I also think I just want deadlines. I've been too free (in a way) and I kind of trip over myself.

So, I think, in conclusion.. I don't want to "stop" doing art, I want to stop "how" I've been doing it. Well, not entirely, but I want to take time with it. I think realistically, once I ideally begin taking my time with pieces, I think it would be helpful if I did smaller pieces while I did bigger ones. I still want to use very many mediums and I still have too many ideas but I think I can finally accept that I don't need to do it all at once because I end up wearing myself out and doing nothing. I mean, yall know how it is. Ideas are just thoughts until you actually do something with them. Alright, I think I'm just gonna end there.