nebulous

 Nothing much. I remembered that I forgot to share some pictures here. Here's one:

It's one of the "doodles" I draw on my desktop calendar when there’s just space. I think I wanted to do one of those aviation goggle hats, but kinda didn't decide on a singular perspective, so it's mangled and that's fine because it's exclusively a doodle. Then I drew a face; someone wearing it, and I think it kinda looks like my niece. It would be funny to put her in one of those costumes.

There's plenty more doodles on my desktop calendar, but what do you do with those? I'd been meaning to scan them or take pictures, but that's so little of a priority. I think it's really interesting. Earnest doodles where I'm sitting at my desk, avoiding doing something and in that idle time I just draw. A pureness that I keep forgetting about, when I keep pressuring myself to create stuff because it constantly feels like time is catching up. Now I'm on the fence-- do I talk more about that feeling of panic rather than just enjoying drawing? Was I gonna talk about something else? Wasn't I about to do something else before I started this entry? I should, you know, do some laundry or something. At least it's something, but so is this, except this has no time restriction. I could write about anything. Random ass time of day: 2:26 PM. Like, ok? Watch me start laundry, forget to put it in the dryer, go outside, hop on the bus, come up with things that I shoulda did before I left the house, get downtown and stand there in a stupor-- having forgotten why I'm even in the city, then remember: I left my "chest bag" at work and I also might have some money to pick up. My wallet and keys are in that bag. A $10 bill and the necklace with ashes in it. Ok, too real. I just don't know who to contact, and I want to pop two birds with one stone if I'm going downtown, at least. That's how I phrased it in my handwritten journal. "Popping two birds" because I don't want to destroy hypothetical birds, for some reason. Well. There's no guarantee that they won't pass on, after having popped them. Anyway, if you're reading this, you're witnessing my (actual) thoughts. Although, am I filtering it all?

That's the thing with having the most recent post be the first thing people see when they open this page. There's not the drawn out explanation I've had about "writing how I talk" etc. Well. Good readers are good readers. I'm not a good reader, technically, but I can figure things out. I "get the idea". Having this kind of attention span actually just comes out as a sort of "divination". You don't necessarily read what's written, you read what you're meant to read. A combination of skimming, "vibes," context, and a constant and open conversation with the personified universe itself. "Personified," being a strong word.

So yeah. If I was going to talk about drawing, like I mentioned above, I've definitely botched that.

There was definitely a bunch of stuff I was supposed to do today. I woke up early. Almost made a list. But it's suddenly almost 3. I don't have to explain it. I'm gonna put on a sweater, and a coat (then possibly regret it, depending on the weather and how fast I walk). Wait, no that's not what's next. I should stop here, and just continue my day!

privy

I'm going to Chicago next week. I'm thinking about how this visit, it's a different place. It'll be the second visit in which I won't have my dad's apartment to stay at while I'm in town. I'm thinking that I forgot what cold is... did I already mention that here? Just ordered socks and gloves. That's really it. I can physically handle the cold, but I'm starting to fixate on it. Like. Why am I making myself go up there? Because flights were cheaper? Because I wanted to set a precedent for travel in the new year? Seems, existentially, beyond my control.

mostly

I let a few days go by; initially, not because I'd lost the habit but there was one day where I just didn't write and I also didn't even think about it. Also probably ran out of time. None of that matters, though. It's interesting exclusively to me. To think about why momentum stops and starts, etc.

So, right now:

We just celebrated Nicolette's first birthday. We all had a good time. Got kind of exhausting for everyone, especially Nicolette. We got a lot of pictures.

Everyone is seemingly looking back at 2016. Began as an arbitrary trend, but I think the moment anyone entertains the idea, they kind of realize something. Maybe it's about how recent "10 years ago" is. When I was looking for 2016, my mind immediately went to "oh, I was probably in high school". No. Not at all. 2016 was when things started moving. That doesn't say much, but it was around the time we moved to Atlanta. The year Casey premiered Pink Cloud. I started to get into art shows and stuff. More of a social life. Things started happening, in a different way, for what feels like a moment. So, no, I don't think this is a "trend" that warrants any kind of ridicule. It's natural, but through the almost unnatural capability of literally viewing yourself from another time. Whatever though, it's probably not that deep. But it's cool.

Earlier this week, I "premiered" a new video that I made at the PowerPoint Party show, in front of an audience. I accompanied it with a faux Q & A portion, that I made seconds before leaving the house, if only to adhere to the PowerPoint medium that the night is founded upon. Maybe I can link the video, here:

Does that work? It probably won't work in 10 years. 2 years. I don't trust embedded media, but whatever. That sentence makes me feel insane. "I don't trust embedded media". Nerd.

It worked out because the joke became "I'm doing a Q & A for a 30 second short film". That's fine. While I was at the venue, I uploaded the video, and that's cool to me. Ages ago, I would have loved to have a recurring event at which I could "premiere" a new video to a live audience and have it subsequently premiere to the internet audience. All I could’ve asked for, at several points in my "career". It's also cool because it validates the work. It's more than a "wacky little internet video". Ehh. Times have changed.

I also hope to write a post dedicated to the vertical video format. In the same way I hope to write about VHS, I want to write about phone video. When will I get around to: writing?

I've become OK with talking openly about ideas and aspirations, I guess. It's not so much annoying that I'm talking about things that are liable to not ever happen as much as sending the intent out into the world and if nothing happens, then the thought is there. Also not as anxious about my ideas being stolen. Please, take them, at this point. I mean. Don't take them. But it's fine if you already have done that. Just don't ruin my ideas. And that's subjective.

So. With these recent events, I feel fine. Going to Chicago next week. It was cold today. I imagine it'll be much colder in Chicago. Hopefully I remain indoors. I should probably see if I have any shoes with traction. "Wool socks". Gloves. Scarf. I forget how cold the cold can be until I get cold.

ok, goodnight.

plenty

I thought I was gonna babysit today, but I ended up not.

I think I've been dragging because I took a portion of melatonin last night. I'd forgotten why I don't take it so often and now: I remember! So.

One of those days where you didn't plan anything and so now you have nothing planned.

That's fine. Still working on my current project, slowly and surely.

Well, I started writing this while charging my Apple Pencil. Now I'm just tired. Accidental lazy day. It's fine. Have to remind myself that it's fine. Yawning.

Literally just didn't have to post anything here; completely inconsequential. However, I must've wanted to say something. Oh, I remember.

At one point, when I realized I had free time, I'd begun kind of trying to organize all my boxes and stuff. One day, I'd hope to finally and definitively organize my stuff. Art supplies in one place. "Physical Media". Clothes. "Memorabilia". One day I want to have a place to put it all. I'm ok with having a storage unit, I'm just constantly stressed about what stuff is what. One day, I'll have a proper art studio. One day I'll figure out what to do with all my VHS tapes.

Alright, I'm done. I'm tired.

Disculpe

Hey. Today's my day off. I want to go outside. The weather seems nice; I thought it was going to be cloudy.

I technically drew something yesterday, but it was for a project:

I deliberately took this hasty picture of the screen because I'm not done. It's not a secret, especially because no one is reading this, but. It's not done. This is the "main" project I've been working on, for myself. I'd done a couple projects for other people at the end of the year, and I told myself I wanted to finish my own thing but treat it as seriously as those other ones. Make time for it, etc. But it's still been really slow paced. I accidentally created a situation in which I'm actually doing a lot of frame-by-frame "animation" which isn't really what I wanted to do with this piece because I'm trying to be an amateur if I've never actually made a full work of animation before and basically I want my "early works" to look like "early works". Self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess.

I'm not making much sense, maybe. I want it to look simple but I chose a project that requires what'll look like I went for something a little more ambitious than my skill will allow for. Eh. Maybe it'll make sense when I'm done.

But no. I need to go outside. I don't have anything I need to do outside, but I really ought to go. Possibly work on one of my little videos. Get some "exercise" and some Vitamin D. Alright, now I'm just saying stuff.

sprite

Today, I babysat Nicolette. She took good naps, which is cool because she wakes up happy.

I've also been thinking about how "blogs" became one-line "statuses," and that eventually just became "tweets". Because what if all I have to say is one thing? Not nothing, not a paragraph? Then of course you used to have those wise guys who'd complain "I don't care that you brushed your teeth! I don't care about your everyday life!" and stuff. But now that actually kind of just sounds nice. I'd be happy to find out that my friends are brushing their teeth or not brushing their teeth. I mean. As a concept.

After I drew this one, I realized how much sketchbook real estate it took just to make myself feel like I drew something that day. Of course, a sketchbook is whatever you want it to be, that's the whole thing. In high school they made us do daily prompts in our sketchbooks, now that I think of it. I was really hyped on this one thing I did where I basically filled the page with "dots" from dipping my pencil eraser in, I think, primary colored paints. Evenly spaced out-- rows and columns. But also, I think the whole point is to kind of "get started" and inspire you to make something else, like you were "prepping" the page to be drawn on or something. Or am I misunderstanding that? Was the goal to kind of just make "something"? I think it was the former. That said, why would I want to draw over that? Those dots were the art.

I took a nap, somehow. Babysitting means waking up early. I work Saturday nights and it takes me a moment to fall asleep. I wasn't noticeably tired all day but then I kinda just crashed once my sister got back home. It's necessary, though. I forgot why I brought up the nap. It's like you spend your youth wondering why you don't take naps like other people do, and then when you finally accept that you can't really take naps, that's when your body decides to let you start taking naps. It's always been this kind of situation, though, Misplaced sleep. When I think of it, I try to value sleep. To reduce body aches and fatigue. Noticing that I must be tired when I start worrying if everyone's mad at me. No one's mad at me! ...right?

three for three

 Jittery.

The last thing I wrote in my physical journal was "I want to draw pictures". I know what I mean.

I took the bus to Marta Arts Center Station yesterday, then I walked to work from there. I try to do that if I have about an hour and 20-ish minutes before I have to be there. I thought a lot about what I could and should be writing here. How this, these past couple of days, has just been general "thoughts". Now I remember something I wanted to talk about, but I'd have to start over.

Also. The bus ride to the station. Once it gets downtown, there's a sequence of things. Closer to the station, there's the Center for the Puppetry Arts (I recommend to anyone). The complex of: Center Stage, The Loft, and The Vinyl. I went to, I think, three shows there total: Odd Future, one version of the band Goblin, and most recently Claudio Simonetti's version of the band Goblin-- performing a live score with a screening of Demons.

After that, there's a comedy theater of some kind that I've heard absolutely no one mention or acknowledge after all these years. In front of that building, there is always a food delivery robot that gets stuck in the same spot. Then there's the gas station where my parents and/or a third party would bring me so I can go to one home or the other. Life is weird as hell but it's also just life.

Oh, I also wanted to mention how, uh, I forgot. Something about how I have the "adhd" thing where I read, out of sequence. I forgot how I was going to tie that in. Maybe there's a parallel to how I write. Or how I will probably never effectively read this stuff ever again after I've posted it. Eh.

Here's the thing I drew after I got off the bus:

See, I forgot that I actually just wanted to talk about, like, music or something, but this is fine. I never talk about music! I ought to get going though.

Again!

 Just, you know, following up yesterday's entry. Not to make this a daily thing, but to create the illusion of "sequence". I sound crazy! Had this idea to post this drawing I did yesterday:

I don't know if I'll draw everyday, but if I believe in anything, it's setting some intentions on the first day of the year. Even if our calendar is bull crap! Any day is "now," you know?

So, I don't know. Maybe I'll build up to some kind of collusion of "this is what I wrote; this is what I drew". Wait, but why am I doing that again? I guess just to kind of catch up. I feel like I've been too quiet and too boring the last couple of years, and I can't tell how much of that is because of aging and how much of that is because of, like, disbelief in myself or something.

Most of what's on my mind at any time is something about my "work," my little projects, and it kind of disengages me from just being present and just "hanging out". Always trying to make every little moment into the movie version of what it is, instead of just enjoying.

I should maybe reserve this format, maybe, for when I have a specific topic. Or not. I've been really wanting to write a piece on why I'd been choosing VHS as a medium. That kind of thing.

Ok, that's enough for today.

2026

 So, anyway, yeah.

Telling myself to write, publicly, with some form of consistency. I journal, privately, everyday, but I could also just "share". I might try to split the difference. I write how I think I talk. I hope to type how I write.

Immediately, here's what's happening: New Year's Day, 2026. It's the evening. I just turned on Fantastic Planet because I'd like to believe it's a tradition, with no concrete origin. I think a movie like this or Holy Mountain, etc, is a good thing to watch on the first day. Something for the spirit. I watched it on this day last year, followed by David Lynch: The Art Life, while I painted something I ended up never finishing. It never felt right to finish it, for a couple of reasons.

Right now, I'm watching the movie on mute, as I type. My sister is cooking dinner and she put on a record, so the music is kind of a backdrop. My niece, Nicolette, is sitting in her high chair, watching my sister cook while she snacks on some kind of novelty, shaped macaroni. I'm not fully engaging with the movie because it's playing as a ritual. It's still visually appealing enough that it's not like I'm not watching it.

I'm not holding myself to an obligation, but I feel like there's not enough contexts in which I could be as "open" as I want to be. I mean. I could go back to just drawing pictures, and hoping that expresses something indescribable. It still seems like no one "gets it". But, if I write somewhere where there's no doubt in what I mean (even though people who understand me still skew information), then there ought to not be any ambiguity. Eh. I doubt I'm going to make any grand statements, though. This is just the kind of thought I tend to have before boarding a plane or something. Thoughts like "if I crash, no one will have known what my favorite color was," etc. And that actually drives me nuts, but ultimately I accept it. It's whatever. No one has to know what my favorite color is, although I do expect everyone to know what my favorite color is and how much that means. But it also doesn't matter. I guess the beauty is in not fully knowing any one full thing about a person.

I don't know how I'll know when I'm finished writing here. I'm speaking from a different voice, knowing 2 people might attentively read the whole thing. Already, I'm noticing my themes appearing in my writing, though. I'm almost certain I've written before about this whole fatalist thing of people only knowing one "part" of you and the people who outlive you will be conflicted as to which one of those parts of you is the definitive one. Ah. Well. I can't stress myself out about that. Plus, honestly, I might feel differently about that now, after the loss of my father. Not to brush past that, but I could go on about that for a while, and I'm not sure that needs to be on my "public" thing, here.

How about this-- maybe I'll talk about 2025, going into 2026. The obvious topic.

Happy about getting a niece. She's cool. For the past few months, I've been babysitting her every Sunday and some Tuesdays. She's happy.

Lost a lot of people in 2025. Cousins. My father. An uncle, most recently. Again, I don't want to brush past that but also how do I even begin to write a proper tribute? Been conflicted because there's never a "right time". Still, I'll talk about that later.

I'm glad I also worked on some "real" animation projects. I don't feel like an animator, and it's still not quite what I'm going for. Regardless, I am appreciative of the fact that some skills learned over time have resulted in me contributing work to other artists.

I went to Germany, again. Maybe I'll post the pictures here. Been trying to find the proper place to show them because I really like the details. It was a good trip. Passed through London to get there and on my way out. Spent a night in London. Hm. Maybe I'll tell that story alongside the photos.

I don't know. Those are the "highlights" I guess. Notable moments. Pretty "even" as far as good things vs. bad, maybe.

Looking forward, I essentially have the same trips planned. Brief visits in Chicago in January and February. Both trips are "anchored" around shows I want to see. Last year I went for a week, intending to see Alan Resnick, but his show got moved to April and I ended up missing that one. Still, that same week, I got to revisit the Chicago Puppetry Festival, and this upcoming trip falls on the first week of that. So far, I've only gone to their exhibit and a couple of symposiums but I want to attend an actual show. No one I know is, like, "into" that stuff, or not enough to go there with me. I think the magic of it is how I sort of stumbled upon it. Foggy, cold, dimly lit, surreal puppet exhibition at the Fine Arts Building. Impossible to replicate what made it cool. We'll see what happens, I guess. It wasn't quite as mystical this second time around though, but still an experience. I think what that means is that it would just be cooler to see someone else witness it for the first time. Oh Well. This time around, I'm planning to see Cate le Bon. Idk. Life makes fun of you for having plans, so, who knows? That's not me being pessimistic though.

I'm planning to go in February, literally to see The Fiery Furnaces, one of my favorite bands. I've listened to them since high school, around the time I had a friend of mine put a bunch of songs onto my iPod shuffle. Not sure if their music was on their but it was the same person who showed them to me. I say "favorite" in the sense that, after repeating some of their albums for an entire summer at a time or something, I'll occasionally run it back every few months, etc. (I didn't phrase that carefully enough, but I'm sure the occurrence is common enough that I don't need to explain how listening to music works). I don't know who else listens to them, and I couldn't fairly "recommend" them because it would feel weird. Hard to explain. Still, I think it's worth the trip. Last year, though, the same trip was to see another comedian. Again, I use the shows and the cheapness of winter flights to Chicago as my excuse to visit. Oddly, though, this visit was the last time I saw my dad, so I appreciate that I went.

I'm also planning to go back to Germany, hopefully for a slightly longer visit, in May. Last year, I was hoping, in addition to obviously spending time with Mom, to find my way to Berlin to kind of check out the Pictoplasma, um, festival(?). It probably wouldn't have made sense though, since it's a ticketed thing (I think) and I also hadn't even submitted any animation or anything, and ideally one might submit work to a festival or buy a ticket to attend something like that. I was just hoping to kinda show up, so it's just as well that I didn't make it, you know? I just do things for the exploration of an idea, I guess. This time around, I kinda plan on doing the same thing. Maybe submit something if I could finish something (kind of bold of me to think I could just 'submit' something all willy-nilly like I even kinda know what I'm doing. (Not calling myself bold, I'm just speaking some kind of reason into my daydreams.)) or idk buy admission. Maybe I'll meet people. Maybe I'll stare quietly and panic. Time to break some kind of pattern. Again, either way, I will have tried, and I will still have visited my mom.

To whom it may concern, I'm not doing these things-- taking trips, etc-- just for "fun".

Anyway, yeah, I'm rambling. If this entry was worth anything, it was to kind of summarize and draw parallels between last year's first quarter and hopefully this year's.

I kind of feel good about writing this stuff, though. It barely scratches the surface of what I want to do with writing publicly (I could just say the word "blogging"). Other methods don't quite do the trick. Would anyone want to see this stuff in print? A handwritten letter? Whatever. We'll see what happens.

I mentioned a few things that deserve their own entry. Comes with the territory. I'm clearly trying to wrap this up. Nicolette is smiling and laughing. I just started playing MM.. FOOD on the record player and New Year's dinner's almost ready. I wanna keep typing, but nah.

More art, more painting, more drawing, more animation, more film and video, more performance, and more travel as a result and as a means! Seems no different than years before, so I hope I'm not trapping myself in an endless selfish loop. I hope I make some friends and lose less people!

(this took about 2 hours to write)